Where your investment advisor comes from.

Remember that guy who sold you your fridge? You liked him, right? He had excellent people skills.

Or that guy who supplied beer to your local bar? The one who smoked tailor-mades, told tall tales about before he met his wife and played in a KISS tribute band on the weekend. He seemed to know a lot about sales, didn’t he?

Or that old electrician who rewired your cottage 3 summers ago. He was patient and kind with a thoughtful approach to construction. He also knew a buttload of retirees, isn’t that right?

You know what they are all doing now?

They are managing your wealth.

Do they have any education? Nope.

Or only the barest minimum licensing and sometimes- depending on various loopholes – they might not have that.

Do they have any experience? Nope.

Or rather, they’ve been able to convince the big 5 banks that they have “proven sales experience”. Which could mean anything, really.

Do they have your your best interest at heart? Not a fucking chance.

They are there for the enormous fees they charge you to literally LITERALLY do nothing. Most rarely come into the office. They “work from home”. They get their extremely experienced and well educated female – always female – assistant to do the actual work of watching the market, taking calls and making trades. You will speak to her more than you speak to your advisor. Their only job is to bring in more assets, which is why they will court you like crazy then never be available for you ever again until you threaten to transfer out.

How are they chosen for these amazing jobs?

Basically the branch manager assesses whether these men look good in a suit. Yeah, that’s it. The manager asks himself, Would people trust this man with their nest egg? If the answer is yes, he plucks this man from obscurity, even “feeding him” (which is an actual term of art in the business) plum accounts, perhaps from the managers own book of business. If the man is keen, the manager will appoint the man assistant branch manager giving him a second stream of income to enjoy. If the man is white, this process with operate at an accelerated pace. An unemployed uneducated inexperienced male can move to assistant branch manager making 400k a year if he plays his cards right.

Here’s the funny part; the client has not benefited in any way. As a client, you would be better off investing yourself. Or just buying GICs. Better you take a small rate of interest than enrich a young man you do not know and a corrupt banking practice you do not understand.

So ask your investment advisor,

What did you used to do?

And how many of your accounts were gifted to you, salvaged from the abandoned books of young men who did not gather enough assets to make the grade?

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The Littlest Flight Attendant 

If I become human, I’ll never be with my father or sisters again.

The interviews process is quite intricate but the bottom line is if they do not schedule you for a medical on the day of your F2F then absolutely consider yourself rejected. This process has clearly been designed by a psychological study so never let your guard down. Psych students should apply just for the co-op experience. 

First, apply online in the fall when do their hiring blitz. French/English fluency is the bare minimum and will only guarantee you least glamorous routes forever, so apply to Rouge instead. It will end up being the same thing. They need Mandarin, German and Arabic the most because anyone who speaks those languages gets hired by Cathay Pacific, of course. 

Second, ignore the video interview and wait for the phone call which will test language proficiency. Ace this!

Third, you will get an email to schedule the F2F. This is the most important part so bring your A game. Dress the part (hair in a bun, red lipstick, neckerchief, blue blouse, fitted blazer) and make sure you are ironed, pressed and dewy fresh. I’m dead, dead serious. Every frumpy girl was eliminated almost immediately. 

That day consists of FOUR main rooms. 

Room A: Arrive an hour early. Give them all your quals, exactly as they asked. Do not giggle, laugh or speak to strangers unnecessarily. Remain poised and focused like a Buddha. Say good morning constantly. Don’t suck up because it’s a waste of time at this point. 

Room B: F2F interview with a recruiter – basic questions where she takes notes. Be calm but watch your body language because no matter what you say, they are trained to agree with you. So if you say …” and then I murdered my boss with a letter opener” she will respond with “Sometimes it’s necessary!” Watch your mouth, keep your tone melodic and grammar perfect. When in doubt, stop speaking. 

Room C: The group interview. You will be given a scenario and asked to collaborate for a solution while three important people write notes. One of whom looks and sounds exactly like Ursula The Sea Witch (whom I adore, but only with a rhumba back beat). You will have less then a minute to prove you are a team player who is actively engaged. My personal belief is that the girl who made it was coached to say what she did. It was too on point and sounded like acting to me. The lone male in the room contributed absolutely nothing and he also made it, so draw your own conclusions.

Life’s full of tough choices, isn’t it?

Room D: This room is intended to schedule medical appointments. The dead giveaway is the high-tech laptop and a woman smiling way too hard.

If you fail – as I did – you will be brought to this final room with the other losers (look around, do they have their hair in buns?) and they will re-ask you a nonsense question, while being slightly rude. 

As the (different) wrinkled old crone did this, she flipped over each of our dossiers so that we could clearly read the negative comments from our group interview written on the back. Mine read: “not a team player” and the girl next to me read “not a team player, not interested“. These must be code words because what are the fucking odds that two people without the cooperation ability of feral wolves would be sitting side by side? Do not agonize over the loss. Truth be told, they are looking for Stepford Wives who will never question authority and happily serve alcohol in the air forever. They are never going to promote you to pilot. So become a pilot instead.

Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim!

Shorts girls: you aren’t going to make it. They may have a second skill that you’ve read about but international aviation rules clearly stipulate that you MUST be able to complete the reach test. Also, optics. If they have a bunch of 5’6″s in heels – and then you! – it’s not going to work. Don’t drive yourself crazy. 

Their final request was that we keep the interview process confidential. I guess they were correct about that team player stuff, eh? 😉

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I’m reading “The People We Hate at the Wedding” by Grant Ginder … AND ITS A COLOSSAL WASTE OF TIME #booksImreading

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I’m reading

#ThePeopleWeHateattheWedding by #GrantGinder #booksImreading …try proofing for typos next time 😳

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I’m reading #AstrophysicsforPeopleinaHurry by @NeilTyson

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I’m reading “13 Ways of Looking at a Fat Girl” by Mona Awad @monaawad #13waysoflookingatafatgirl

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I’m reading “Final Girls” by Riley Sager #ILoveHorror

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