Welcome! Welcome, friends! Dear Readers, did you miss me? I missed you a whole bunch.
Season 3 Introduction, for the newbies
Historically, the Ladies of London franchise has been shaky. Americans think middle-aged British women are boring and snobbish – they simply have no concept of how great London actually is. (Reader’s Note: It’s fucking great.) And the British are embarrassed by everything, mostly housewives in general. So this show panders to a very narrow demographic of globally minded women (and men? Write in the comments, my brothers!) who actually know who these characters are and care about their antics. Not to mention how awful Season 1 was, with that poor man who died at the end. The same thing happened on RHOBH and it has never truly recovered–instead it morphed into that neo-fascist pro-apartheid American version of Coronation Street with more veneral disease, the vile Vanderpump Rules . But Ladies of London has what no other franchise has; the great and powerful Caroline Stanbury. My prediction is that Ladies of London needs to showcase how cosmopolitan London is, include fun facts, (pop-up video style!) and include a more detailed bio with each character. Just a suggestion @Bravo that I could showrun this franchise better than you plus, what does showrun mean?
…and that is what I wrote before I saw the hellish hellscape lip syncing marketing bit used for commercial television. I was paralyzed with embarrassment. It stands to reason the one should subject oneself to only so much humiliation in the pursuit of reality television, and we have reached that nadir. If Ladies of London can’t attract an audience on its own, you are hardly going to do so by making fools of them. The only one who looks good doing it is Fleming, go figure. Plus, I hate Bravo for trying to knock the crown from my queens’ head. But enough about that, let’s get started!
Title: London Friends are Falling Down
More Meaningful Title: The original title is so bad that I want to keep it, but for clarity it really should be We Are All A Bunch of Basic Bitches Stuck In The BPast.
Aaaaaaannnnnnddddd BWE’RE BACK BITCHES!!!!! The moment I saw the first commercial my breath literally stuck in my throat– that’s true love, people. Trust.
The opening credits are brief and to the point. Notable addition to the main cast is Sophie (Y A S S s s). Since most Americans can not find their own state when provided with a map of the US, being specific about where these women live is both appropriate and useless. It is upon this knife edge of relevance and absurdity that the cast of Ladies of London balances precariously.
Lady Julie opens the season by entering a room in her own home that she appears to have never seen before, filled with mystifying furniture from the bpast. Classically daft Lady Julie! I missed you! This must be what it was like for Tori Spelling growing up.
Lady Julie begins speaking to Powder a man I immediately assumed was her butler but I am quickly corrected: he is Luke, her husband, the future Earl of Sandwich (stop laughing, Dear Reader, it’s a real thing). A man who is in line to the British throne. Way to bury the lede, Bravo. Would it not be helpful to assign name tags? I mean, Caroline Stanbury’s silly makeup artist gets better billing. They proceed to take promotional pictures in front of Mapperton and Lady Julie cries that becoming a (vis?)Countess is overwhelming, according to my research her title will be viscountess, am I wrong? Then compares herself to Kate Middleton — the actual future queen of England— whose correct name is Catherine Middleton. You may want to remember that Lady Julie. #firstworldproblems
We open on a woman in bed and naturally I assume it’s Caroline Stanbury, who has never met a bed she didn’t like. Quelle surprise! It’s a heavily pregnant Marissa who is hours away from being successfully delivered of her third child, a baby girl. There are some medical issues here but since that is waaaayyyy toooooo serious for a show I watch while getting blind drunk on Tuesday nights, so I’m going to gloss over it.
Congratulations Marissa (thanks for liking my tweets, pretty mama) and Matt!
Cut to– Two drunk whores awaken in an expensive hotel room surrounded by filth…WAIT …WAIT A MINUTE. It’s MY baby girl! It’s Caroline Stanbury on the morning after her 40th birthday sleeping with …Sophie, her sister-in-law. Classic Caroline party move! O I missed you the most!
Make that her ex-sister-in-law, because Sophie announces she is getting divorced from Caroline’s brother. Ugh.
Reader’s Note: Here’s my theory on Beautiful People divorcing when money and domestic abuse are not at issue: Don’t. Just don’t. Better to waste your money on marriage counselling and trips abroad then to waste it on the upcoming divorce party Sophie is about to host for herself. Think about it: Your life has never been hard and now it’s hard and your coping skills are “Fuck it I’m outta here”. You know who would never fall for that: Caroline Stanbury. She would simply kill her husband. And make it look like an accident.
To Sophie’s face Caroline makes noises with her giant mole hole that she will… something… support Sophie through this difficult time, maybe?
No, Caroline is too smart to box herself into a verbal agreement like that.
Let’s wait and see how much this generalized platitude is worth in hard currency, Sophie. I suspect the exchange rate will on par with the thai baht.
A supermodel “nurse” walks in and begins to hook up Caroline and Sophie to a hangover cure via IV drip. This would hold my full attention if it weren’t for Caroline mistakenly mentioning that she misses her catastrophic business failure, Gift Library. She talks about “doing cartwheels in the office”, which might be British for “I took a bunch of selfies, called my staff bitches to their shocked faces and no work got done” as the flashback footage confirms. Since “giftlibrary” is my safeword I immediately fall into a deep slumber. Zzzzzz
Caroline, I can tell you don’t have a graduate degree so let me give you a quick biz pro tip: never mention failure. It removes you from the power position and the lighting is bad. (i.e. Not a good look, girlfriend).
To recap this amazing segment: Sophie discusses the biggest personal failure she has ever expereinced and Caroline steals the spotlight by bringing up an old business failure which can’t really compare to a divorce. Well played, Caroline.
Cut to– Fleming at home, packing for a trip!
So let me say, Fleming’s musical intro is fire.
1000 thai baht to the person to finds out the name of that song!
But a dark cloud hangs over Fleming (why is this show so serious this season??). Her beloved father is dying of cancer and she must travel weekly to Denmark to be with him. At the same level of emotional magnitude is the fact her child left cookie crumbs in her bed. Based on her initial reaction, I thought she had discovered bedbugs.
Get a grip, Fleming.
Since all women are products of our fathers terrible parenting, we are reminded that Flemings father has frowned on every major life decision she has ever made. I hate this because Fleming is my own personal earth goddess writ large. Parents like Flemings do more harm than good and hopefully she will not repeat the mistake. Just stay in bed and eat cookies with your son whilst you await the inevitable.
Best line of the episode:
“I’m very attached to my physical body”
– Fleming, on the Theory of Relativity
Caroline is staying in a rented Surrey home until her entire family can be relocated to Dubai, at the end of the summer. It is absolute madness with packing boxes everywhere. Caroline introduces a new character, Adela; a size zero that Caroline describes as “big everything “. In the same segment Adela describes Caroline as “sensitive”.
In true Stanbury form, Caroline immediately treats her guests as employees and puts them to work doing hard labour. Then complains they are doing it wrong and crawls into bed.
Atta girl, Caroline. Match point.
Second Best Line of the Episode:
“I’m not a tree.”
-Caroline Stanbury, on the power of self discovery.
The Main Event: Sophie’s Divorce Party
Where do I start with a manufactured storyline that isn’t worth the pixels it’s written on? Basically, Dear Reader, it’s a love triange from Hell.
“Village Foghorn” Lady Julie is still hysterical over a throwaway comment made by Caroline about her yoga prowess 15 months ago, at a 2014 NYE party. Caroline is upset Sophie evens speaks to Lady Julie and keeps trying to separate them because Caroline doesn’t like to share. Going into the party, Caroline blames Sophie for telling tales (?) and claims she will “finish it” with Lady Julie. It’s important to remember that no matter the issue at hand, Caroline always complains that she “is in the middle” of something. This is a manifestation of her own magnificient ego and keeps her in the power position. If Caroline could harness these powers of manipulation and spin and focus them on the business world she would be unstoppable.
Intro Juliet with a small dog and a jerobaum of rosee… and that’s it.
Thanks for coming out Juliet! I didn’t miss you at all.
Caroline winds the group up until a global summit of affected persons is called in the middle of the fucking garden party. Lady Julie rehashes the past. By “finish it”, Caroline meant letting Juliet do the work for her and “Service Dog/Bitch” Juliet inexplicably attacks Lady Julie. So that’s why Juliet was in the shot: for comic relief. Got it.
Caroline and Lady Julie proceed to fight over Sophie’s bloated corpse like a pair of hungry pythons because one of them thinks she’s tough and one of them is the living embodiment Sun Tzu. Nothing is more “dangerous” than a lamb who thinks it’s a lion. It’s not a fair fight and Lady Julie stalks off.
Here’s the real issue, Dear Readers: Lady Julie outranks Caroline and in British society, this matters. I looked it up. While Caroline Stanbury does exist in the Peerage, Lady Julie is above her. Lady Julie, if you want to see what Caroline is truly capable of, then dangle that British title off your skeletal American finger thereby compounding the three things that Caroline admires most; America, anorexia and a-title. My prediction is Caroline will fall madly in love with Lady Julie the moment she sees how this connection can benefit her family.
Actually this episode was very boring. I’ve heard that a documentary about watching paint dry received some good reviews so I’m gonna go do that…hopefully next week the producers at Bravo will have returned from their self-imposed exile. Take Care, Felicia.
Food Caroline talked about this episode: Biting Lady Julie.
Frankly, I’m surprised that it took this long to get to cannnibalism.
Food Caroline Actually Ingested in this Episode: A glass of Pinot and an IV drip, not on that order.
Next Week: Marissa holds her baby, Fleming looks at her phone and Sophie gets yelled at.