Episode 2: A Tale of Two Stanburys
More Meaningful Title: It’s the worst of times
Cold open on the hospital with Marissa lying prone in a hospital bed. She stirs and mutters something that sounded like
“2.5 gallons [of blood] is double my body weight.”
Nope! I’m quite sure that’s inaccurate!
Here are other words I hear:
placenta in bladder
Marissa, cool it with the morphine. She also tilts between laughing and crying, but she has an excuse; she just had a baby.
Lady Julie is showing some serious (JU)balls and I’m luxuriating in it. Given half a chance, Lady Julie intends to knock the gift shoppe industry on its ear. But first she needs to retire this Lesley character, who is casting shade on Lady Julie’s design ideas for tea cloths and mugs for Mapperton. This is must be serious because she thinks someone will write about this in a “textbook” and that someone else will “read about it 100 years from now”.
The world is yours, Lady Julie!
|Lady Julie rn|
Readers Note: With her husband, Lady Julie isn’t a complete wimp. She speaks, walks and behaves quite normally. I’m so proud of her! Oh wait… then she starts crying …fuck it. New Rule! No crying without an infant on the tit, Lady Julie!
Earth Goddess Fleming has a sit down with a new person, a 29 year old bride-to-be named Kim who brings the brunette count on this show to two. Not sure what this segment was supposed to convey but I’m unimpressed. However, if it occurs to you (i.e. It’s the subject of a news article) that your husband may be marrying you because you bear a striking resemblance to one of his former wives, consider a pre-nup, ok baby?
“Kim is deeply connected to her heart”
-Fleming, bravely saying what we were all thinking
I’m scared Fleming doesn’t know that poor people have hearts, too.
For reasons I’ll never understand, the editors jam in a quick shot of Caroline bathing her children. Off-camera are 6 nannies with a series of ropes and pulleys creating this seamless effect.
Fleming arrives in Denmark with… Juliet?! Not sure why this is happening but Copenhagen is stunning and I’m content to be here vicariously. Upon arrival Fleming begins to attack the hotel bed until it is ready for a military inspection. I can see why she and Caroline are friends. One has never met a bed she didn’t like and the other has never met one she does. I’ve said this before, but Fleming and Caroline occupy opposite ends of a white lady spectrum and truly balance each other out. Which leads one to wonder, why didn’t Caroline come instead?
Best line of the episode:
I’m quite funny to sleep with.
-Fleming, being modest
Fleming and Juliet getting ready. One moves at warp speed and one is slower than molasses in January. I’ll let you assign names. In the talking head segment, Juliet makes a rather clever anal joke but I’m ignoring it because I reject her title of “blogger”. Next to Fleming, Juliet seems almost housebroken. I’m impressed.
Fleming attends The Elle Style Awards and makes a gaffe when she answers some reporters questions too honestly sending Fleming into a tail spin.
But they get to meet Tori Spelling!
So, I declare this segment a draw.
Back in London, Caroline and her sister Victoria examine the interior design drawings of her new home in Dubai over glasses of champagne. I feel uncomfortable watching this segment because I feel like Caroline brought her baby sis along simply to brag, and Victoria is so mortified that her face burns red. If the home in Dubai is anything less than a full scale reproduction of an Egyptian pyramid I’m going to be dissatisfied. You will note, Dear Reader, that Sophie (Caroline’s ex-sister-in-law) has an interior design business but was not called upon for this job.
I stamp this segment Exhibit A for submission to Shade Court.
Just kidding, the whole segment is an embarrassing plug for the furniture collection that Caroline is putting her name to with Earlcrown. Quick question; does Caroline have to share the proceeds of her venture with Bravo??
We learn a bit more about Caroline’s childhood and it’s so great I can’t actually speak about it…
But I’ll try.
There are pictures of her in school uniforms cut like little sailor suits. We learn that she hated it so much she vomited and no one in her family rescued her.
WAIT It’s really sad, actually.
We also learn from this expository segment that Caroline considers herself an upmarket hippie; she does not want to be tied down to anyone or anything. I find this confusing based on her conspicuous consumption. Isn’t she so proud of her purse collection that she arranges it all on the floor like Lindsay Lohan in the midst of a Ritalin binge?
In fact, it is a bold lie; the equivalent of an all-in bluff in poker. Caroline wants – and has always wanted- everything everybody else has. If you accept this premise, the remainder of the season will make sense. Caroline wants everyone to be pea green with envy and that’s a nice way to feel. She’s so elated that she initiates a hug! Not with her sister, but with the designer. I don’t begrudge her happiness, but tbh I don’t know anyone who would voluntarily moves to a desert in the Middle East.
Pop Quiz Hot Shot!
Ladies of London Trivia:
Which character has a self described “love child“? oh la la
The answer may won’t surprise you.
“Minion” Sophie and Marissa have lunch. Marissa, entirely aware of Caroline’s machinations and grasping for relevance this season, stupidly winds Sophie up. You have bigger sausage to fry, hot dog lady.
Enter The Dragon Snarl ™
Dear Reader, bear with me a moment and read about micro-expressions. This is the most telling physical indication of Caroline’s innermost dialogue. Caroline at the very heart is filled with an unspeakable rage.
I would love to know why.
It manifests as a profound sense of betrayal. She creates an empty blond veneer – her “representative” if you will – whom she sends out to complete the majority of her daily tasks. Caroline can’t understand why others can’t do the same. As a result she fears and rejects weakness. In fact, she needs to attack it. My fear is that she won’t be able to keep the lid on this season…
The Snarl™ is first glimpsed when Caroline and Adela go shopping. Adela hilariously outs Caroline as a former fashion victim and ridiculous copycat.
Gotta love her honesty.
Then she goes a step too far and she advises that she is immune to Caroline’s rage.
Is this why people think blonds are stupid?
For some silly reason invented by the producers, Adela takes Lady Julie’s “side” in the last garden party debacle. This sends Caroline round the twist and they cause a scene in a shoe store. Caroline, betrayed, calls Adela disloyal, pathetic and stupid. Please note, this is how she behaves with a “friend”.
Sophie visits Caroline. Are you wearing body armour, Dear Reader? Maybe you should. Caroline, upset at both Sophie’s friendship with Lady Julie (betrayal) and Sophie crying at the garden party (weakness), proceeds to screams at Sophie like a dockside fish wife. Sophie apologizes – which Caroline refuses to accept – and leans forward and snarls at Sophie, saying “Oh yes, I will win this fight”. If don’t get that exact phrase recorded as a ring tone before the end of 2016, my life will have been lived in vain. Please note, this is how Caroline behaves with “family”.
So Sophie my dear, how do you handle a woman like this? Well, you have two choices:
- Avoid her like the plague.
- Hit her as hard as you can with a closed fist, directly in the eye.
I’m not even kidding. Women like Carolyn can only be consumed in one way and that is by becoming more unpredictable than she is. Your options are truly varied: you can spread a rumour that you slept with her husband, you can actually sleep with her husband (as Caroline tried to do with Juliet’s husband), you can pick her children up from school when she is not expecting it and laugh it off like a big misunderstanding, or you can beat her like an egg. Caroline’s pride will prevent her from reporting it and she will actually learn to respect you. It’s counter intuitive, right? Trust me, it works.
No surprise, Soph-nugget, most women will choose option #1. But that gives Caroline the advantage since she knows you will try to take the “high road”. It is far too easy to disturb the peace of a woman trying to remain civil, when Caroline has no such boundaries. And she never will.
She is pure id. And that is why I love her so.
What won’t work Sophie, and I caution you and every woman ever to be in your situation, is a passive-aggressive alliance against Caroline with all the other Ladies at this late juncture. You entered this show as Caroline’s creature. Ask yourself, isn’t that really why Lady Julie wants to know you? It will take a significant amount of time to build authentic relationships. Time you don’t really have. Remember Sophie, you may have divorced her brother but you are stuck with Caroline for life. Food for thought.
Speaking of food; no one ate any.
Same, whores. *crunches a gluten-free choco biscuit*
Food Caroline actually ate: None, she mostly just spit vitriol.
That’s why she’s so skinny!
Times someone mentioned boarding school: 2
Stop chewing the scenery, Fleming; this is Caroline’s line!***
Next Week: The Ladies visit Mapperton and it becomes a Master Class in the Caroline Stanbury method of manipulation and control, until it all blows up in her face. Or, does it? Can’t wait!
***The author wants you to know that she also went to boarding school. In Switzerland.