Episode 3: Rules of EnRAGEment
More Meaningful Title: Call Me A Cab!
Busses. Fast busses. Whizzing by. Double-decker busses, red busses, cabs. Fast modes of transport with a house beat. It’s a rave in a bus terminal! Glimpses of the ladies lives are provided; Caroline is learning Arabic, Juliet is fighting with her food and Lady Julie is in bonne forme at Mapperton. Y A Y
Open on Tits McGee Marissa and her swollen breasts. The three of them together with her husband are bantering about the idea of moving to California. This would effectively eliminate Marissa from the show, so where is this idea coming from? I don’t like it. I also don’t like when a man says he’s jealous of a baby breastfeeding because he already owns the breasts in question. Grow the shit up, asshole. This whole segment is about Marissa’s breasts and their desire to have a cocktail. get it?
N E X T
Fleming meets with a therapist. I am filled with trepidation because her last filmed therapy session was pretty dodgy. Fleming decides to cut the shit and just be honest; her father (the grand ol’ duke Baron of york denmark?) – who btw is on his 3rd wife, so he’s in no position to judge anyone – has never been a supportive figure. In short, I have no idea who this cat is because after a quick internet search I can find NOTHING in English on the Baron himself. He is Danish royalty without a wikipedia page, it appears. This is curious. Fleming glosses over some divorce unpleasantness in 2007 and then declares she wants to live a life of “love and loyalty”. I want to live a life where Dr. Phil interviews Fleming and her entire extended family in a 6-part prime time series. The segment includes a brief flashback of some well-dressed old crone saying something hurtful to Fleming back in Denmark, then leaping from the table to have a cigarette before Fleming can respond. I immediately flash on Cruella de Vil and I want this horrible person to be eaten by wild dalmation puppies.
|The Baron’s 3rd wife|
Fleming, I love you!
Know that you are unhealthily obsessed over by a stranger in Canada ADORED!
Things Lady Julie says out loud and on TV:
“Should I have cooked this baby longer?”
“I am Han Solo and Marissa is Chewbacca“
“England lost the evolutionary war”
But what she lacks in sense, Lady Julie makes up for in new confidence now that she is Lady of the Mapper see what I did there?. Equipped with an executive butler she calls her “secret weapon” she decides to host the Ladies at Mapperton.
There is no way this plan can fail! *
Sophie and Adela travel the four hours by car together and arrive on time, proving they were raised correctly. Fleming, Juliet and fifth-wheel Kim opt for a ride with Caroline and her live-in babysitter makeup artist Luke Henderson and arrive 4.5 hours late. Notable things that happen in the car are a) they drive by Stonehenge b) they eat vegetables off plates using silver cutlery whilst riding in a Range Rover c) Juliet brings another jeroboam of rosee. Where the fuck is she getting them?
Right up front, I have to say that bringing your gay friend on a girls’ weekend is brutal. It’s clear from the start that Caroline is using him as a shield and he’s allowing it for one reason: she’s paying him to. He has the square root of fuck all invested in the other women, not to mention Mapperton. I know a lot of older women who retreat into overly close “friendships” with their hired staff when they feel the world is against them. It makes a woman brittle. Remember how she hugged her interior designer rather than her sister? I don’t want that for Caroline.
Watch carefully, because everything Caroline does from this moment forward is to punish Lady Julie for her success.
1. Caroline and Luke are wearing matching fatigues. They are dressed for war.
2. The group goes for a tour of the grounds. Caroline slinks in back literally behind Luke’s body and makes snide comments. No matter what Lady Julie says, Caroline is going to mock it. That’s the game, bitches!
3. They separate to dress for dinner. Caroline and her bodyguard MUA, Fleming, Juliet and Kim (?) are relegated to some hostel in a seaside fishing village, instead of staying in the manor like Sophie and Adela. This is so much shade thrown by Lady Julie that I can barely stand it. No wonder Caroline is pissed.
4. Caroline is several hours late for dinner. When her entourage finally arrives at Mapperton, every woman at the table is furiously smiling out of fear, except Caroline, who gives no fucks.
5. Lady Julie announces that tomorrow’s frolic is fishing. Caroline immediately begins to fuss. Nothing specific, mind you, just enough to keep all the attention on herself and no one else. Magic!
6. The group gangs up on Caroline. This was to be expected, since they are on Lady Julie’s turf, and a rare slip for such a skilled strategist. Does Luke step in and defend her? No, because he wasn’t even at the dinner. So how useful was it to have him in the first place? She spent all that time and money looking beautiful for a bunch of other women who don’t really like her.
Juliet– being stupid Juliet – backs Caroline for no discernible reason. She waves her runty arms around and declares it all to be “aristocratic bullshit”. Then put your fork down and LEAVE, asshole. Stop eating the aristocrats food, you hypocrite. God, I wish I could get in a fist fight with Juliet. In my imagination this dinner ends with Juliet tied to an antique chair with a chicken leg jammed in her mouth, a sign that reads “aristocratic bullshit” around her neck. I’m grateful that she is being replaced by the other pretty, younger and more English brunette, Kim. Please note, Dear Reader, if the glass slipper was on the other foot, Caroline WOULD NOT defend Juliet. I’m telling you because Juliet doesn’t listen.
Lady Julie – and all well-meaning women like her- have a fatal flaw when it comes to known sociopaths and it’s treating them like human beings. Caroline is playing the Omarosa card. Omarosa would have stabbed a person to death in live TV if she thought it would help her ratings. Is Caroline really any different? I caution darling Caroline, Omarosa lost a husband to this behavior because no man wants to be married to an actual Mean Girl™. But maybe you are different. You aren’t different.
Lady Julie, here are a couple of options when dealing with gross people who deliberately mess up your party by arriving late and in sour temper:
- Don’t invite them to anything that has a formal start time. Just don’t. Make an excuse, it doesn’t matter how flimsy. Don’t put yourself through that. Other people will see it and respect your time going forward. It’s called establishing healthy boundaries. Try it with Lesley, Lady Julie.
- Wouldn’t it be fun and unpredictable to have a musical guest or performance start at the stated time, instead of dinner? Maybe Caroline ‘s fave singer @iamparsonjames so that in an effort to ruin your dinner she actually missed out on something she would enjoy. Of course, she would immediately say she no longer liked his music but this is just one iteration of various possibilities. Why not try it that next time? Let your imagination run wild. It’s what Caroline does.
- When Caroline or anyone fusses about fishing or any divertissements you’ve arranged at your own expense, gently disinvite them rather than cajole them into coming. Quietly agree that they would not enjoy it for the ridiculous reasons they’ve put forward and remind them that the boat won’t wait. Encourage them to have a lie-in or breakfast in bed or whatever it is they want to do instead. Smile sweetly and say that you’ll discuss it later. Change the conversation. I’ve done this, it works. Remember: trying to cajole keeps the cajolee in the power position. Caroline knows this. Caroline knew you would try. Congratulations Lady Julie, you’ve just extended your torment by another 24 hours. You really are the architect of your own prison.
It’s weird — this blog is devoted to CS and yet I’ve spent the last two posts detailing how to manipulate her. I’m sad it’s coming to this. The great news is that Caroline is an exceptionally fast learner and once she senses manipulation she will evacuate to safer domains where she can rule as Queen. So when Caroline doesn’t want to be friends, rest assured it’s because you rep too much of a challenge.
A quick word to Caroline herself: now that you’ve established your specific brand of crazy,mean and selfish; DON’T BACK DOWN. Lady Julie is not worth your time if it’s in fact true that you consider her life a “noose”. Omarosa never, never apologized. And now she works for the President-Elect. Caroline, filling your socials with well-meaning innocent bystanders and third-party admirers prattling foolishly about how you have “a big heart” just re-enforces how little they really know you. No one believes that hookers have a heart of gold and no one believes you do, either. That isn’t what is making you popular. You wanted this life, Caroline, you wanted all the attention. Now you have it.
Where are you taking it?
More importantly, where are you taking us??
Don’t bring us on this journey only to run away.
You have the power of a thousand suns within you, Caroline. I would much prefer seeing you meet your real match in Dubai.
Can you get involved in world politics?
And disaster relief?
These topics are more worthy of your skill set. The universe didn’t put you and your smart brain at the top of the food chain for you to spend your life shilling personalized iPhone cases.
Will Caroline eat any of her dinner?
Will the other women get up and follow her? Y E S DUM DUMs
Will she be cajoled back to the table? Y E S DUM DUMs
To Be Continued!
Food Caroline Talked About Eating:
When Fleming invites her to lunch, Caroline (having already binged and purged for the day) simply frowns. So elegant.
Food Caroline Actually Ate: None.
Please note, Lady Julie’s dinner is not yet finished… there’s still hope.
Times Caroline mentioned boarding school: 1
Day 2 of Lady Julie’s “Adventures in Aristocratic Bullshit” include Boats, Beaches and Bitches! Hopefully Juliet falls overboard.
* This plan will fail, Lady Julie.