Episode 4: Tantrums and Titles
More Meaningful Title: Fishwives of London!
So, we’re back at the Formal Dinner of Doom™ being hosted by Lady Julie at Mapperton …and chaos ensues.
“I can be spoiled.”
-Caroline Stanbury, establishing her priorities
Adela directly challenges Caroline and she evacuates via helicopter rescue off the roof of the American Embassy in Saigon has Luke pick her up. She refers to this as “my car, my driver, my turf, my home”. Since only the whitest of trash drive G wagons in my neighbourhood, I’m worried about her bragging about this. Juliet leaves with her.
Speaking if bragging, I’m interested to know if this was a lucky shot on the part of Adela or if she’s really an opponent worthy of my continued interest. I hope it’s the latter. The women repeatedly say that Caroline could have “controlled” the attack but truly that is not fair. She pleaded and begged to have Sophie and Adela STOP talking to her, and they refuse. They smell blood and go in for the kill. Then blame the victim. I’m interested in Caroline’s reaction to behaviour she has pioneered at boarding school: she tears up in the car.
W A I T
Is this real or for the show? Hmmmm…
Boarding school is mentioned one zillion times.
I’m going to become an actual psychologist so I can ask one question upon graduation:
What happened at boarding school, Caroline?!?!
Annotated List of Things People Say
Juliet: Caroline has always had my back.
bwhahahaha trolololol …such a lie, you are exceptionally stupid Juliet. That might become her new name on this blog. What prize do I get when Caroline worms her way back to her friends and shits on Juliet? Or tries to fuck Gregor again? Should I be satisfied with the knowledge that I was right? Or is there a cash bonus?
Caroline: Adela is the problem.
Oh. Fascinating. I’m glad we’ve collared the perp. Let’s revisit this accusation at a later date.
Caroline: Sophie should be sticking up for me.
Oh. Also Fascinating.
Like the debt of gratitude she owes you for the falling out you recently had?
Where she apologized and you refused to accept it?
Where you told her you’d never trust her again?
And your expectation was that …she would run after you?
Lol, the very audacity … but watch carefully, Dear Reader; no sooner does Caroline leave then Sophie tells Adela “Caroline says she’s picked you out of the gutter a few times”. Oops.
You really do have a big mouth, Sophie.
Lady Julie, wearing a gorgeous fur over her shoulders, is spectacular at the head of the table. She does not cry. She has decided not to invite Caroline and Juliet ever again. Whether it’s true or not, that’s the right spirit, Lady Julie!
This whole batshit segment, Fleming is sooooo reasonable. I love it. Everything she says is baronessperfect™. I love this side of her.
The Next Morning
Luke and Caroline in bed. Of course
Then she orders him to get the door. Of course
Sophie, gloves laced and tone deaf, enters as a prize fighter and basically boxes Caroline into a corner. The day may have had a chance of being salvaged if Sophie had given the woman space.
Leave her alone, Sophie. Get lost. You really are blind in the same way Juliet is blind. I can see why Caroline likes you both; once set in a direction, you move forward regardless of logic or reason or sense. But, why? Why can’t either one of you think for yourselves?
Caroline, now your creatures are set to destroy you. Next time you design “minions” you may want to input an ON/OFF switch.
Meanwhile, at Gift Library outside on a porch swing…
Juliet and Adela get into it. I’m so embarrassed when Juliet speaks.
Lady Julie does not speak, then excuses herself, then moves on with her life. Then she makes a joke at Caroline Stanbury’s expense. I’m so proud of her I’m literally standing up clapping at the TV.
You will make a magnificent Viscountess!
Even Kim, whose been as talkative as a cloistered nun this trip, becomes annoyed by Juliet who can’t operate a fishing pole.
Welcome to the show, Kim. We drink a lot here.
Luke and Caroline taking a romantic walk on at the English seaside. Luke is either bored or scared of water because he keeps looking over his shoulder like a paranoid thief.
“I don’t need people with me…I should have been a gay man.”
-Caroline, misunderstanding sexual orientation
In direct counterpoint, the women have a fantastic day fishing on the boat.
It’s total magic. They catch a variety of fish and Fleming names her fish Bernard. Because he looks like Bernard, obviously. To me all fish look radioactive.
Juliet and Adela hug it out. Because the way to deal with Juliet is by not listening to a word that falls out of her dumb pie hole.
Point, Adela for figuring it out so quickly.
The Pub Lunch of Doom™
Caroline winds herself up with Luke in the car ride over. Luke’s genius is never saying a word in either direction. Caroline joins the freshly fished women and sits with her back to Sophie.
Juliet, foaming at the mouth, can’t wait to cause a rift and begins whispering to Caroline about what they talked about. There’s a friend, Caroline! Sometimes I think it’s poetic justice that Caroline is stuck with Juliet as her only female friend. At one point, Juliet spits out some venomous comment to Sophie that sounds like “divorcing your brother”. I would have smacked her little mouth off. If I ever see Exceptionally Stupid™ Juliet in real life one of us is going to end up with a bruise.
Lady Julie provides a Mapperton swag bag to all the ladies including a tea towel, but no sooner is her back turned then Caroline mocks it. What a coward you are, Stanbury.
This is why you need Jesus.
It’s been three blog posts and I’m literally starting to hate you. You never miss an opportunity to take the opportunity. Is this really who you want to be? A vicious twisted little soul with only your hired help as your friends? Don’t complain you are lonely this season when you relentlessly behave like a hapless cunt.
Speaking of tea towels, under Lady Julie’s management the gift library gift shop at Mapperton is increasing revenue. I’m so hap– no wait, it’s still running in the red. Fuck.
Back in London.
DId I mention that I loved loved loved Fleming in this episode?
She also can do a headstand and “breath…into…the…center…of…her… existence”.
Yes. Yes, I am. *heads to hot yoga*
Caroline bows out of Sophie kid’s birthday party. This is a new low.
Sophie is so raw from her divorce that she blabs about how bad her ex is.
Careful girlfriend, never a good look.
In turn, the ex is so raw he can’t see himself established in the father role and is basically running away from the whole situation. It’s a crying shame and while Caroline may be exhausted by Sophie, the amount of good she can do in this moment is worth eating a small amount of crow. You will all live to regret your behavior, whores
Food Caroline talked about eating: None
Food she actually ate: None
Times boarding school was mentioned: Countless
Dear Reader, I know I won’t see you before Christmas and New Year so I want to wish the merriest and the happiest of both. I’ve rec’d so many Christmas gifts in this one episode I don’t know how to express my happiness. Remember to drink champagne, watch the black and version of A Christmas Carol with Alastair Sim and live with gratitude and peace in your heart. Next year, all our troubles will be far away. To All The Ladies (of London, and beyond): You are my favorite group of trainwrecks, and I learn from you every week…
For example, look at this twitter exchange between Marissa and a third party.
Now look at Juliet’s comment attacking Marissa.
Juliet, are you losing your mind?