The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E5

 caroline-stanbury-makeupImage result for why don't you eat make up

Title: Dirty Martinis and Dirty Rumours

More Meaningful Title: Watermelon Martinis and Watermelon Tits

I’m excited to watch this episode because I don’t really know what to expect. How will Caroline corner now that she’s actually been brought to tears? My expectations are that she will respond with guns blazing. I further predict her aim will be pointed firmly at Adela. Although it’s truly a crap shoot with Caroline, her venom is not specific. The Ladys could play spin the bottle with an old tampon applicator and the results would be more or less consistent. 

You see Caroline has learned at any cruelty she exerts will be immediately and unquestionably internalized by her victim. She doesn’t have to have a reason to be cruel because her victim will create one. Let’s see how quickly Adela – or whomever – cottons to this reality. 

We open with a wacky montage:
Marissa breast pumping. I didn’t know they made a such a noise! 
Caroline negotiations with her child. She how good you are at this? Have you applied to the UN yet??
and Juliet finger paints because …Juliet.

Marissa, Adela, Lady Julie and Sophie meet for a mafia style sit down just drinks. Marissa wants to let the good times roll. Which means inviting Caroline to drink watermelon martinis, even though she hates fruit because she went to boarding school. I don’t write this script, but I wish I did. 

Marissa says, Caroline is “becoming really unhinged. All her Minions are in London. Who will take off her boots?”

I strongly believe I had something to do with this comment and I couldn’t be more proud. Thanks Marissa!

Fleming cooks. She pretends like this is something we don’t know about her. 

Obviously. She’s an earth goddess! 

She speaks languidly of trips in the forest and of being a mushroom expert… I would mock this but actually, this is true. Being a mushroom expert is a real thing. I used to summer next door to a Czech family who had an actual poster on the wall detailing the different kinds of mushrooms to look for in the specific part of Canada we where in. They also had a small hard cover book that you were supposed to take with you… in the forest …and that I might have stolen…

 Image result for caroline fleming gifs cooking

Next is the single most interesting segment in the history of #LadiesofLondon.

Just kidding, bitches!

It’s a meal between astonishingly beautiful Caroline and her equally handsome husband Cemmin,  where they discuss a father-daughter trip Cem recently took with this eldest unmarried, YasmineHave you ever noticed how beautiful Caroline is when she is just listening? Caroline feels that NOW is a good time to “build a family life” with her children and her husband in Dubai. I’m struggling with the logic since the kids are practically grown but it falls outside the scope of this blog, so let’s move on… 

I just realized that Caroline has a collection of the sexiest voices I’ve ever heard. Bear with me here, Dear Reader. There’s Cemmin, then Rania, then Adela… and personally, I love to hear Fleming speak.

Working Hypothosis: You can only be friends with Caroline if you have an accent.

Anyway, *Yawn* — get to the good stuff, you crazy kids! 

Cem asks about the Ladys, specifically the last most recent drama with Sophie


W H A T 

Since when does a Housewives Husband™ care about what the women are up to? He says that Caroline has been “witness to some of Sophie’s lowest moments”. If that’s not a scripted line, I don’t know anything. 

Breaking! Caroline admits to being stubborn, while Cem is the Voice of Reason™. D U H

Cem: Sophie’s not a bad person 

Caroline: …but I’m just not that nice of a person. 

Right from the housewives mouth, as it were. 

However, the exposition piece is interesting in that Caroline outlines what she wants from the Ladys; she wants people to back her blindly. This is hilariously immature and foolish. Not even her handsome husband backs her blindly. Because he’s not retarded. 

When you hear a woman say, You should back me blindly, please hear 

“I want to treat you as badly as you’ve ever been treated and I never want you to complain about it to me or anyone else. It will be our little secret and that false intimacy will bind you to me tighter than reinforced steel chains, while creating a reasonable facsimile of female friendship in the modern age so no one on the outside can see you dying on the inside”. 


So exasperated was I with my heroines behavior that I asked my own mother what causes people who seemingly have everything to behave cruelly. She breathed a single word: Frustration. To put it plainly, Caroline is a horse that no one lets run. Imagine having an Arabian horse and using it to haul coal. Or a turbo-engine Shelby Cobra that you never drive. Caroline’s blind rage is a function of her hysterical frustration about her limited opportunities. She simply isn’t self-actualizing and it’s heart breaking to watch. She pads her life with more and more stuff thinking it will fill the gaping void that meaning and purpose have vacated. She’ll be in good company in Dubai, no? 

Occasionally you discover that the best part of a person is their family and I think we have rounded this corner with Lady Julie, a woman who believes that coffee is a gateway drug to marijuanaBoth her daughter and her husband are the Wayne and Shuster to her manic flights of fancy, running a hilarious commentary around her pleas for a world where she can control who drinks cow’s milk. We are going to need to see more these two, Bravo. Lady Julie’s daughter calls her “Sugar Tits” before they swan around in prom dress.   Why you ask? Because she will be attending Uni in the fall. I don’t have to say it but Lady Julie cries in this segment. Then she delivers …

…The Best Line of the Episode

“cuz I’m the cool mom”

-Lady Julie

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Speaking of cool moms, Marissa and fam.

Marissa exhibits some seriously strange body language and weirdly posting up on her husbandwho sits on a park bench while they drink coffee. They talk about not moving to California. Then she hisses at him, which I love. We only hiss at the ones we love. Quick point of process, people: Crying is not depression but depression includes crying. Discuss amongst yourselves. 

“Nothing is certain in life, generally.”

-Matt, Bar Owner/ Philosopher King

Cut to…

Caroline, Luke and Rania.

A bad habit Luke has picked up from Caroline is negging other people. Rania enters with bags and he calls her a “bag lady”. Funny how Caroline is not labelled a bag lady when she has a bunch of bags. Nobody buys their makeup from a judgmental little bitch, Luke. That’s why Caroline doesn’t have a makeup line. 

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 Image result for caroline stanbury bag lady

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Caroline literally captioned this #baglady, Luke


 Caroline, practicing the fine art of being unpredictable, announces her new enemy: “Marissa started these rumors.”


What a thrilling development, Detective Stanbury, if only you provided a shred of evidence. This is a pics-or-it-didn’t-happen-world, Princess. 

One should be carefully of accusing Marissa of anything since it could backfire and make her look like a fucking badass. That she had the wherewithal to spread rumors while being concerned about the future survival of her child is definitely commendable. 

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Draw me like one of your French girls, Luke.

Fleming in Denmark. 

Valdemars Slot is showcased in a mini-commercial a la MTV Cribs. Apparently Fleming owns this place. Cool, bro. The chapel is my fave part. 

Moving on…

Adela and Sophie, in matching stove pipe jeans, have a chat about Caroline. They think her cruelty is caused by external factors. No. Lol. What could this be leading up to, I wonder ?? This segment is somewhat expository in that we learned Adela is both in recovery and has had more than one husband. Hello, my name is Adela and I have made some really bad decisions in my life. Welcome Adela!

We’ve gone a goodly amount of time without Juliet. How long can our luck last?

What time is it, Dear Reader?

It’s time for Marissa’s Watermelon Martini Party!

!!I love it so much!!! 

Marissa is fun and quick and silly. She’s the old Caroline and I miss the old Caroline. 

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Marissa rn

Fuck it’s Juliet™ and Caroline are in a cab

First shot over the bow is Caroline with “No one likes you.” 

Juliet responds “Be careful.”

There you go, Juliet. Caroline can’t stop herself. Is this really the minion life you want?

Sophie and Adela are in a cab. 

If Sophie wanted to seem silly she couldn’t have chosen a better support then holding a rock in her hand to a daytime cocktail party. 

Tiger stones in the cab, will be the title of my fourth book. 

No one is having as much fun as Marissa and Lady Julie, so case closed. They give sage (advice? no, actual sage) to Sophie to smudge her house. Do it on the new moon, Tiger Blood Sophie™. 

Marissa and Caroline chat. 

Adela and Caroline chat. 

Adela is so mature with her delicate apology. I’m immediately in love with this gorgeous woman who is sober, they are so rare. My heart is breaking for this new cast member with a seemingly sordid past…

Oops now she’s crying.

Oops it’s The Ugly Cry. 

Juliet holds Tiger-Blood Sophie back from consoling Adela with “Let them handle it.” Whoa, welcome to the show señora reasonable, who the fuck are you?


Me, rn

I’m sad that when Caroline shows the smallest modicum of human decency,  people – horribly wounded people who literally don’t know any better- classify this as a “really warm heart”. 

No she doesn’t! You are brainwashed! 

First of all, it would be cool if the general conversation stopped trying to evaluate Caroline’s immortal soul. She is neither strictly a good person nor a bad person and if she was, none of you are religious and it’s not your call. She is missing is a empathy chip in her power tower. She doesn’t give a desert shit, she just wants Adela to stop crying and leave so she can talk about her behind her back. I don’t even have to watch the next episode to know this. You know why? Because I’ve watched the past episodes. Caroline’s meanness works for tremendously well for her and she’s never gonna change. 

Food Caroline Talked About Eating: None

Food Caroline Actually AteSparkling water. While food (in the form of a Kardashian-style salad) is delivered to the table, none is set in front of her. Same, Caroline.

Image result for regina george is butter a carb Image result for regina george is butter a carb

Next Week! Ping Pong, some other stuff that does not look interesting and a mafia style tea sit down Sophie and Caroline. Lemme guess, Caroline tries to make Sophie feel bad about something that Caroline will immediately forget when she picks a new victim.



About Persephone

ellepersephone, a lifelong opium eater, died of a drug overdose at the age of 27. she is survived by a feral cat.
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