Episode 6: Tiaras Make You Tipsy
More Meaningful Title: Literally any sentence would be more meaningful.
So here it comes. This is the episode where Caroline lambastes Sophie. I’m scared for Sophie because, by her own admission, she has never been on the receiving end of The Caroline Stanbury Experience™. I can’t tell from Sophie’s perpetually blank face whether she’s telling the truth but we know that the last time they tangled Caroline ended up blurting out D-I-V-O-R-C-E in front of children who were ignorant of the fact. Way to be loyal, Stanbury. She demands it of others but does not return the favour.
Some quick edits give us these gems:
Lady Julie is going to Wisconsin because …reasons.
Fuck It’s Juliet™ is a fucking ditz.
And this —
Caroline imagines Sophie’s face during her boxing lesson. Quick point of process: Why do they all exercise in their yards? That’s kinda weird. Can’t you afford a gym membership? Can you imagine looking at the neighbors yard and seeing Fight Club being acted out by middle-aged women? I bet there’s a app porn for that.
But wait! This episode has a discernible theme; it’s really about transitions. There’s a lot of depth in this episode. That being the case, I will use a series of ridiculous emojis to assist my distinctive narrative technique.
Let’s get started!
M + F =
Marissa and Fleming crush a can of soup and squish a baby between them. They talk about how Marissa was once closer to Fleming’s sister Louise and … ok, whoa, this segment is *really* about Fleming trying to determine if Marissa is trustworthy. Marissa understands this and responds with patience and maturity. The relationship seems to be deepening. Well done, ladies. Moving on…
J + J =
Juliet gets her own segment and it’s a flop.
Juliet is functionally retarded, which this segment illustrates perfectly.
M + M =
Matt and Tits McGee Marissa dine. Matt wants to have sex with the breasts he “owns” and it’s causing him to sweat. Matt correctly identifies that housewives drama is not in his wheelhouse. He uses the word “boring”. He sits in distinct counterpoint to Cemmin. I both hate and respect you, Matt.
J + F + C + L(?) =
Yikes! Another Juliet segment?!?!
…Welcome to another edition of Fuck It’s Juliet™ , I’m your host, the goddess of Hades, Persephone…
Juliet is dressed up like she’s going to audition for Madonna’s Papa Don’t Preach video and indicates that she’s hosting a pub crawl in the east end of London with Fleming and Caroline. She looks so stupid. She calls herself a hipster, while I would describe it more like a dumpster fire. Don’t go on a reality show only to behave like buffoon.
*furtively crosses Juliet’s name off the list of potential spin offs to this show*
What is #TheLondonStylist? A once-a-month picture of you wearing clothes? Do you even insta, bro? However, the writing is not bad, which literally kills me. I highly doubt it’s her. Prove me wrong, FIJ.
Juliet invites her 7 year old on a pub crawl …then dis-invites her!
At least teach her how to prime the keg before you leave or she won’t have any social life at the Midwestern community collAge you intend to send her to, Juliet.
Best Line of The Episode
“Let me speak to your daughter, I prefer her so much.”
– Caroline Stanbury to Juliet, causing the author to inadvertently bellow with laughter.
Fleming is becoming increasingly frustrated with Caroline‘s lateness. Fleming correctly discerns that this is a power-seeking technique used to manipulate people and Fleming wants no part of it. We leave them on a picnic bench with Juliet unable to operate an umbrella. Enter Caroline and she’s brought yet another brunette minion named Lucy (where does she store these automatons?) whose sole purpose is to be Luke back up Caroline from attackers. Watch Lucy’s body language. She’s literally mimicking Caroline for her every move and every expression. I’m sad she needs this armour around Fleming, Caroline used to be so strong.
Then, to make my day, Caroline brings up The Fruit Issue™ from 18 months ago! She says – get this – “You know I don’t like fruit and you asked me four times” as if it’s some sort of sin to insist your guest eat food.
Classically disordered, Caroline.
Is it my birthday, Caroline? Because then she rehashes The Mapperton Affair™. But this time, she rewrites history and starts blaming Fleming for Lady Julie’s rules. This is an exercise in magical thinking and I’m ready to swallow the red pill! I literally feel crazy listening to Caroline. It’s like listening to Dark Side of The Moon backwards while watching The Wizard of Oz.
Caroline spectacularly fails at this because Fleming freezes her out. That’s it. She just refuses to give Caroline air and the paper tiger collapses. (This metaphor never met an analogy it didn’t like). There is a lesson here. Ignoring bullies goes a long way to making them disappear. Earth Goddess Fleming, you please me.
Caroline- lacking the patience and leverage to break Fleming – gives in and literally kisses Fleming and makes up.
That’s a little too quick, right? I mean we’ve seen Caroline make a grown woman cry in under 10 minutes.
But then it all makes perfect sense! Since Caroline has burned her bridge with Lady Julie, a copper-bottomed viscountess, she can’t burn her bridge with a Danish baroness as well. You have to hand it to Caroline, she is a skilled strategist. And you wanna know why? One word:
~~S c o t l a n d~~
Scotland? you ask, bewildered.
Scotland! I reply, triumphant.
Caroline pulled the short straw this season is hosting a weekend in Scotland for all the ladies and their h-bands (!) as a proper send off before she goes to live her dream of re-enacting entire scenes of Lawrence of Arabia with her house servants in Dubai.
Sing choirs of angels! Sing in exaltation!
S + M + A =
Sophie, Marissa and Adela shoot pingpong balls out of their vaginas do a pub crawl at a pingpong bar (?) and they are fun fun fun!
Dancing on bars.
Drunk dialing their exes. I love them.
This is what the show should be about. Except poor Adela has to run away because these fools are a literal liability.
J + M + =
Juliet (again!? Are you fucking with me Bravo?!?) and Marissa and her trusty satin pajamas where she denies spreading the Caroline-is-moving to-Dubai-to-escape-legal-troubles rumour. Ok. That settles that, right?
S + F =
Sophie and Fleming try on hats. They chat about Caroline being an asshole. But really this is a primer for the next segment featuring Caroline, Sophie and some cold fish. see what I did there?
C + S =
Caroline and Sophie. Here comes the bullshit avalanche.
Let’s be clear, Caroline has a singular focus: She just wants Sophie back as her minion. Which means NO friendship with Lady Julie and NO friendship with Adela. But Caroline can’t just say it out loud, it has to come from Sophie. She has to break Sophie like a Spanish Inquisitor until – and this is key- Caroline can use Sophie to both hear and spread gossip. That’s the goal.
But Sophie has an important card up her sleeve, the fact that Caroline punished her child by withholding the cousins from attending her child’s birthday. For Sophie, and any mother, this is a bridge too far. Caroline tells a bald-faced lie and eels out of it.
Hats off you sociopath! You are a true inspiration.
So, Sophie apologizes (again) and to her face Caroline accepts the apology. But during the talking head segment she admits that no, the apology will not suffice (again), paving the way for Caroline to treat Sophie badly in the future. See? Broken.
[[Hey Juliet! Does this sound familiar??1]]
While it was a close race, the winner of this episode is Fleming!
Food Caroline Talked about Eating: “dark chocolate with the nuts”.
Food Caroline Actually Ate: Rosee
Next Week: Lady Julie cries, Sophie immediately gets back in the fray, Marissa denies spreading rumours and Adela shares something personal.
Anywhoozle, I have something earth-shattering to share with you, Dear Reader. I will be visiting London, England next weekend. Write in the comments the places you think I should visit… and by that, I mean, do I dare try to visit my heroines in their natural environment?