The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3Ep9

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Sorry, “Girls”, it’s Caroline Stanbury.

Title: You Regatta Be Kidding Me

More Meaningful Title: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

 C + Mum + Da = 🍰🍰🍰

Caroline has tea in the garden with her parents. Her father has had a heart event and so Caroline does not feature much in the episode but watching two ice cold WASPs (I know, I know, fuck off) dealing with strong feelings of pain and loss is a master class in exquisite psychological torture. It reminds me of home. 

Caroline believes her family thinks she’s ridiculous. As card-carrying sociopath, she has that classically hollow relationship with her parents. Well, make that her mother, which she describes as “stunted”. She says she’s a Daddy’s Girl, not because they were close but because it “drove [her] mother crazy”. The most important thing is totally unspoken; Caroline eats. She eats!! The awkwardness of this experience caused her to eat. This is a god damn breakthrough. 

FIJ = 🕸🕸🕸💩

A segment about Fuck It’s Juliet™and I don’t care. Even her daughter knows what kind of fraud she is; she literally mimics her mothers minion behavior towards Caroline.  If the universe is a mirror, children are electron microscopes. In an airy offhand manner her husband asks, “”Would you even think of Dubai if Caroline hadn’t mentioned it?” Clever boy throws shade, film at eleven. 

Juliet makes me feel physically ill.

-Adela, preaching to the choir

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M + F = 🍴🐙 

Marissa has lobster salad at Fleming‘s as their burgeoning friendship matures. But Fleming is shy to trust any delicate information around Marissa because “she has been guided by bullshit”. Let’s take a minute to appreciate that these women are having a serious and difficult conversation that does not descend into abject aggression. Because it descends into tears. Next!

A + LJ = 💄🤐😾

Adela glams up Lady Julie for …an event? Dunno. Prolly nothing because this is just a ploy to gossip. Sophie has firmly told Lady Julie that there will be no more Caroline talk between them and Lady Julie feels betrayed like this was the cornerstone of their relationship. This is the bad part of being a woman. We are trained from earliest infancy that negative gossip bonds us in friendship…as such, the relationship can’t last without the fuel of negativity to keep it running. Adela beautifully points out that it’s actually a relief to have one less troublesome topic in life. That’s logical, right? But the madness of female relationships is that we are literally devastated when a friend wants to redefine it, no matter how logical or important the reason, because the fragility of the structure does not allow it. We have to raise our girls to be better. 


Have you ever noticed that Fleming never gets into these conversations? She also never engages when it’s swirling around her. What’s her secret?


Hats! Pims! Boats!

The woman attend the Henley Regatta. Sophie and Fuck it’s Juliet™ travel via helicopter for god knows what reason. They both look and sound stupid… but maybe I spoke too soon because then they start drinking champagne out of “a chest” with extra long straws. 

Do you feel like a bird?

-Juliet, being stupid


Juliet, rn

Adela confronts Juliet about … I’m not sure what but they seem to make it up — if Juliet making passive aggressive quips and looking sour can be considered baseline normal then yes, everything’s fine. 

LJ + S = 🐲💥

But hold the fucking phone because Lady Julie feels this a battle she should choose! Lady Julie, apropos of exactly nothing, is ready to bring this up again: that Sophie can’t talk about Caroline because they are – air quotes sisters-in-law. 

Oh no! 

Wrong choice! 

Shut up! 

Sorry, Lady Julie but this is, in fact, a perfectly valid reason to not talk about someone, because it risks peace in the home. That’s called a boundary – air quotes – and it’s healthy. As a yogi you should know this. Now don’t start crying. 


Fleming plans her midsummer dinner with Fuck It’s Juliet™. Then she puts holy water on Juliet’s forehead and I am fully expecting this to turn into an exorcism but I am sadly disappointed. 

Quick point of process: Holy water is free by the pint at the font within any Catholic Church, one does not need to “buy it at the Vatican”. I have a jug of it on my bar right now for …this and that…nevermind …none of your business… but mostly because my childhood dream was to become an exorcist until I learned one first must become an ordained priest. Apparently the laws of god and man prevents me from living my truth, but I digress…

S + Mum = 🕷☕

Sophie and her mother have a chat in the garden about how to break the news to her sons that their parents are divorcing. Not sure the purpose of this segment because it’s both boring and sad. THE END

And the winner of this episode is…

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Adela is the winner of this episode!

#Times Caroline spoke about food: zero

#Times Caroline ate food: ONCE and it was A LOT!! We’ve discovered her trigger. It’s human contact. No wonder she rejects hugs, it would affect her clothing choices. 

#Times a White Woman Cried: Countless

Next Week: “polish dolls”, flower crowns and Caroline strikes again!


About ellepersephone

ellepersephone died of a drug overdose at the age of 27. she is survived by a feral cat.
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