The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E10

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Caroline, always.

Episode 10: Loose Lips Sink Friendships

Are we at 10 already? It feels like more. It feels like a season in Hades…

 
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More Meaningful Title: We Have So Much To Learn from Female Sociopaths

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A short segment illustrates Lady Julie and her superior onion-cutting skills. The one piece of food guaranteed to make a person cry. How ironic. 

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Speaking of irony and relatives, Adela and Lady Julie stumble into the backyard and try to … no idea. They end up back in the kitchen with a bunch of organic waste. Lady Julie’s daughter is graduating and she – you guessed it – starts crying. 

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Fuck it’s Juliet β„’ has a relative visit. That’s it. That’s her entire contribution to this episode. 

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Open on Caroline reclining in bed. It’s time for penthouse livingβ„’ and massages with Sophie. Caroline is in such a good mood that she greets Sophie with a compliment, rather than her usual insulting greeting. She evens answers the door! Add one Adela in pajamas with a side of child custody issues and you’ve got a good time. It then devolves into a side show of sexual acrobatics which gave me life. Bravo pitches this as a ‘slumber party’ but no one sleeps and it’s during the day. I’m going to buy you a dick-tionary for Christmas, Bravo. Just kidding. You are all probably Jewish. 

“I just push it ’round the plate and pretend.”*

-Caroline Stanbury, on how to be a successful anorexic

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Speaking of Jews..

Fleming  plans her Midsummer  Party with flowers. She breaks bamboo with her bare feet and builds maypoles with her bare hands. She is the earth goddess in full flower wearing a gorgeous flower crown, a magnificent flowing gown and … holding a giant piece of raw fish. For the second time this episode Adela is fucking with pieces of foliage. She’s one of those women who always *seems* drunk no matter how sober she actually is, poor thing. Sophie dressed in a white gown once again mentions marriage (twice), methinks the woman doth protest too much. In Canada, we call the “twisted bread dick” bannock and I made it when I was in Brownies. Bread dick is delicious.

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…everyone is having a wonderful time at Midsummer. Really a magical evening with delicious home cooked food and amazing feminist energy dancing bare breasted around a bonfire. How will this sit with Caroline? Will she join the fun and fade into the background? Will she allow people to eat and enjoy themselves? Of course not, you whores, don’t be fucking stupid. She sits like a deadly πŸ•· spider in her web waiting patiently until she feels a tug by a stuck insect, when suddenly! she gets her opportunity…

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Lady Julie invites Caroline on a “date” before she leaves for Dubai. Caroline refuses, on the grounds that Lady Julie has abandoned her and that they have nothing in common. Except a lunch would remedy both those obstacles, so logically she should accept… 

Fearful she will be exposed as the fraud she is, Caroline must deflect attention and does something very interesting; she starts a three-way fight. Remember how she had already accepted apologies from Sophie and Lady Julie and Adela? No. She didn’t mean that. She was just biding time until she could use it again to re-establish her supremacy. Adela is the only fool to bite; then again Adela, like all addicts, is foremost addicted to drama. Adela pitches a ghastly fit. Then…Adela apologizes again. Caroline accepts. But it won’t last. It never, ever does. And that is why sociopaths succeed, nay thrive…

The real only surprise is that Juliet does not get directly involved in this. Usually she is ass-deep in Caroline’s shit.

And the winner is,…

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The winner of this episode is Caroline, of course!

#Times Caroline Talked About Food: 1*, see above

#Times Caroline Ate Food:  1, some bits in the hotel

List of Things We Know Caroline Hates, Thus Far:

  1. Hugs 
  2. Fruit
  3. Flowers
  4. Maypoles
  5. Flower Crowns
  6. Boarding school
  7. Vintage clothing

List of Things We Know Caroline Loves, Thus Far:

  1. Stripper Poles
  2. Being Pampered
  3. Gay men

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Next Week is the The Series Season Finale! Hysteria in a cab, Matt threatens divorce (?!?! That’s very rich, Bravo) and another “party” worthy of dead-eyed Victorian Vampiresβ„’ hosted by the most dead-eyed vampire of them all, Caroline Stanbury. As usual, everything about her taste screams nuclear winter. And – shocker – Julie cries. Again.

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This doesn’t quite cover it, though.

 

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ellepersephone died of a drug overdose at the age of 27. she is survived by a feral cat.
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