The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E6

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Episode 6: Tiaras Make You Tipsy

More Meaningful Title: Literally any sentence would be more meaningful.

So here it comes. This is the episode where Caroline lambastes Sophie. I’m scared for Sophie because, by her own admission, she has never been on the receiving end of The Caroline Stanbury Experience™. I can’t tell from Sophie’s perpetually blank face whether she’s telling the truth but we know that the last time they tangled Caroline ended up blurting out D-I-V-O-R-C-E in front of children who were ignorant of the fact. Way to be loyal, Stanbury. She demands it of others but does not return the favour. 

Some quick edits give us these gems:

Lady Julie is going to Wisconsin because …reasons.

Fuck It’s Juliet™ is a fucking ditz.

And this —

Caroline imagines Sophie’s face during her boxing lesson. Quick point of process: Why do they all exercise in their yards? That’s kinda weird. Can’t you afford a gym membership? Can you imagine looking at the neighbors yard and seeing Fight Club being acted out by middle-aged women? I bet there’s a app porn for that. 

But wait! This episode has a discernible theme; it’s really about transitions. There’s a lot of depth in this episode. That being the case, I will use a series of ridiculous emojis to assist my distinctive narrative technique. 

Let’s get started!

M + F = 😍

Marissa and Fleming crush a can of soup and squish a baby between them. They talk about how Marissa was once closer to Fleming’s sister Louise and … ok, whoa, this segment is *really* about Fleming trying to determine if Marissa is trustworthy. Marissa understands this and responds with patience and maturity. The relationship seems to be deepening. Well done, ladies. Moving on…

J + J = 💩

Juliet gets her own segment and it’s a flop. 

Juliet is functionally retarded, which this segment illustrates perfectly. 

Thx, Bravo!

M + M = 🍼

Matt and Tits McGee Marissa dine. Matt wants to have sex with the breasts he “owns” and it’s causing him to sweat. Matt correctly identifies that housewives drama is not in his wheelhouse. He uses the word “boring”. He sits in distinct counterpoint to Cemmin. I both hate and respect you, Matt. 

J + F + C + L(?) = 😡

Yikes! Another Juliet segment?!?! 

…Welcome to another edition of Fuck It’s Juliet™ , I’m your host, the goddess of Hades, Persephone…

Juliet is dressed up like she’s going to audition for Madonna’s Papa Don’t Preach video and indicates that she’s hosting a pub crawl in the east end of London with Fleming and Caroline. She looks so stupid. She calls herself a hipster, while I would describe it more like a dumpster fire. Don’t go on a reality show only to behave like buffoon. 

*furtively crosses Juliet’s name off the list of potential spin offs to this show*

What is #TheLondonStylist? A once-a-month picture of you wearing clothes? Do you even insta, bro? However, the writing is not bad, which literally kills me. I highly doubt it’s her. Prove me wrong, FIJ.

Juliet invites her 7 year old on a pub crawl …then dis-invites her!

Rude! 

At least teach her how to prime the keg before you leave or she won’t have any social life at the Midwestern community collAge you intend to send her to, Juliet. 

Best Line of The Episode

“Let me speak to your daughter, I prefer her so much.” 

– Caroline Stanbury to Juliet, causing the author to inadvertently bellow with laughter. 

Fleming is becoming increasingly frustrated with Caroline‘s lateness. Fleming correctly discerns that this is a power-seeking technique used to manipulate people and Fleming wants no part of it. We leave them on a picnic bench with Juliet unable to operate an umbrella. Enter Caroline and she’s brought yet another brunette minion named Lucy (where does she store these automatons?) whose sole purpose is to be Luke back up Caroline from attackers. Watch Lucy’s body language. She’s literally mimicking Caroline for her every move and every expression. I’m sad she needs this armour around Fleming, Caroline used to be so strong. 

Then, to make my day, Caroline brings up The Fruit Issue™ from 18 months ago! She says – get this – “You know I don’t like fruit and you asked me four times” as if it’s some sort of sin to insist your guest eat food. 

Classically disordered, Caroline. 

Is it my birthday, Caroline? Because then she rehashes The Mapperton Affair™. But this time, she rewrites history and starts blaming Fleming for Lady Julie’s rules. This is an exercise in magical thinking and I’m ready to swallow the red pill! I literally feel crazy listening to Caroline. It’s like listening to Dark Side of The Moon backwards while watching The Wizard of Oz.

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What the actual fuck, Caroline.

Caroline spectacularly fails at this because Fleming freezes her out. That’s it. She just refuses to give Caroline air and the paper tiger collapses. (This metaphor never met an analogy it didn’t like). There is a lesson here. Ignoring bullies goes a long way to making them disappear. Earth Goddess Fleming, you please me. 🙏

Caroline- lacking the patience and leverage to break Fleming – gives in and literally kisses Fleming and makes up. 

That’s a little too quick, right? I mean we’ve seen Caroline make a grown woman cry in under 10 minutes. 

But then it all makes perfect sense! Since Caroline has burned her bridge with Lady Julie, a copper-bottomed viscountess, she can’t burn her bridge with a Danish baroness as well. You have to hand it to Caroline, she is a skilled strategist. And you wanna know why? One word:

~~S c o t l a n d~~

Scotland? you ask, bewildered. 

Scotland! I reply, triumphant. 

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Caroline pulled the short straw this season is hosting a weekend in Scotland for all the ladies and their h-bands (!) as a proper send off before she goes to live her dream of re-enacting entire scenes of Lawrence of Arabia with her house servants in Dubai.

Sing choirs of angels! Sing in exaltation!

S + M + A = 🎉🍾👑

Sophie, Marissa and Adela shoot pingpong balls out of their vaginas do a pub crawl at a pingpong bar (?) and they are fun fun fun!

Dancing on bars. 

Drunk dialing their exes. I love them. 

This is what the show should be about. Except poor Adela has to run away because these fools are a literal liability.

J + M + 👚😴💤🖕

Cut to…

Juliet (again!? Are you fucking with me Bravo?!?) and Marissa and her trusty satin pajamas where she denies spreading the Caroline-is-moving to-Dubai-to-escape-legal-troubles rumour. Ok. That settles that, right?

S + F = 👒🎎

Sophie and Fleming try on hats. They chat about Caroline being an asshole. But really this is a primer for the next segment featuring Caroline, Sophie and some cold fish. see what I did there?

C + S = 🍣🍷

Caroline and Sophie. Here comes the bullshit avalanche. 

Let’s be clear, Caroline has a singular focus: She just wants Sophie back as her minion. Which means NO friendship with Lady Julie and NO friendship with Adela. But Caroline can’t just say it out loud, it has to come from Sophie. She has to break Sophie like a Spanish Inquisitor until – and this is key- Caroline can use Sophie to both hear and spread gossip. That’s the goal. 

But Sophie has an important card up her sleeve, the fact that Caroline punished her child by withholding the cousins from attending her child’s birthday. For Sophie, and any mother, this is a bridge too far. Caroline tells a bald-faced lie and eels out of it. 

Hats off you sociopath! You are a true inspiration. 

So, Sophie apologizes (again) and to her face Caroline accepts the apology. But during the talking head segment she admits that no, the apology will not suffice (again), paving the way for Caroline to treat Sophie badly in the future. See? Broken. 

[[Hey Juliet! Does this sound familiar??1]]

While it was a close race, the winner of this episode is Fleming!

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Food Caroline Talked about Eating: “dark chocolate with the nuts”.

Food Caroline Actually Ate: Rosee 

Next Week: Lady Julie cries, Sophie immediately gets back in the fray, Marissa denies spreading rumours and Adela shares something personal.

Anywhoozle, I have something earth-shattering to share with you, Dear Reader. I will be visiting London, England next weekend. Write in the comments the places you think I should visit… and by that, I mean, do I dare try to visit my heroines in their natural environment?

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ME

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline

Gratitude Journal, 2016

2016

Nobody likes you.


O, Year of the Fire Monkey, let me never live you again!

Before this batshit crazy year pours out of our cups onto the ground flooding the yard where it will freeze and congeal into a dull stain on the patio stones, let me gives thanks for this unbelievably tiny and insignificant life that have the privilege of living on earth during the year of our lord 2016. 

JANUARY 

Okay, you know how everyone and his stupid sister says they feel “lucky”? But statistically that can’t be true? I actually don’t feel lucky. I never have. I mean sometimes I make the bus/subway connection seamlessly in the winter but mostly, no; mostly I have average to bad luck. Except at the beginning of this year! As the clock struck down the last 10 seconds of 2015 I was filled with a sense of purpose and relief and excitement and gratitude. I sensed that 2016 was going to break the mold. Or I was going to break my mold. I was both right.

Shortly thereafter I went to the bathroom and ran my fingers through my hair causing my gold earring to attempt suicide and jump into the sink drain. Now try getting a staff members attention in the early hours of New Year’s Day. Not happening, so I resigned myself to the fact that earring was lost. 

But I was wrong! A kind person fished my earring out a *few days later*. For this I am soooo grateful. 

Also, I got a flat tire fixed during a mechanics strike (?) — only at Mercedes, amirite?

In 2016 I bought my first piece of art. This first of many hopefully. If you follow my Insta, or tonytaylorart, you know what it looks like. 

FEBRUARY

I went to Carnivale in Quebec City and had the best snowboarding of my life at Mont Ste Anne. A special shout out to my instructor/friend who came for the ride since conditions were *heavy*. 

Unfortunately I had to say goodbye to a relationship this month, but I’m eternally grateful for having him in my life.

Finally, I completed my financial designation that I had been working towards and three new letters now follow my name. 

MARCH

This month I was grateful for a hodgepodge including sunshine, my friends and receiving my tax return (lol! the government asked for it back later in the year!). I did start my book trilogy The Blood Bather and I’m so grateful for the time to devote to that. 

But this month really stands out for an interaction I had with a stranger on the sidewalk. She rushed out of her home, ran across the street and asked to hug me, while reminding me that Jesus loved me. It was short and sweet. It’s important to remember that when people do this, they often need the same support themselves. I’m grateful she reminded me of this, and for her most generous blessing. 

APRIL

A lot of much needed house renos: the kitchen, bathrooms, new carpet, basement electrical and paint, etc. Nothing feels better than getting your home in order.

I had A LOT of trouble with my tenants this year and I had to evict them, formally complain to Immigration Canada and switch my real estate agent. I thought I had chosen honest people but I couldn’t have got it more wrong. Truly, I was devastated. But I found the new best person for the job and in turn she found the best tenant in the city. I’m so grateful!

MAY

While Spring was slow to get started here in the North Country, we had some beautiful weather towards the end. It was so nice, in fact, that a misguided neighbor became convinced that he had the right to plant stupid-looking indoor plants on my lawn. He was being encouraged by a local lesbian who had a crush on me. She loved me so much she actually *threatened to have me killed* if I didn’t let the flowers happen. Love does funny things to people, I’m the first to admit. But the plants weren’t to my taste – and neither was she. So for this month, I’m grateful for my lawyer and the police. 

JUNE

This month I was grateful for voodoo hex I found on the internet to create ‘War Water’ against a person who needs to go. It must have worked because it caused a shockwave and they all withered and died. Kidding! They just moved away. (But there was a shockwave…)

JULY/AUGUST/SEPTEMBER 

(It all kinda bleeds together, doesn’t it?)

I’m grateful for summers spent at Lake Simcoe, the stars in Bala, McDonald’s and long walks in the cedars…And the installation of a new fence. Ha

I became hopelessly smitten with the wrong person this summer, but it’s nice to know those things can still happen. 

OCTOBER

This month I was grateful for the smallest things. My fav boss bought me my fave drink at Starbucks and I went to the fancy movies with my friend S, which I never find enough time to do despite being a film major.(It may be because they don’t make films anymore, but I digress) They served us deluxe burgers with avocado and we crushed a bottle of wine. Yee-Haw!

I was also grateful for the big things. This year marked my 20th high school reunion– I had never been before and thought I should check it out. Readers Note: I went to a fairly fancy little finishing school nestled in the Swiss alps so this was not just some party in a school gymnasium- this was a gala event of 1100 people held at a convention centre. The night was so emotional for me because seeing these faces twenty years down the road was so … not sure. I made a big deal about it because it is a big deal and because –well, we won’t be here again. This isn’t something you attend every year or even every five years. What I learned that night was to not treat my whole life like a cocktail party. I’m so grateful that I decided to search for a life of meaning and purpose so I don’t have to sit around talking about my divorce. To any young person reading this, remember that one day you too will be sitting at a 20th high school reunion, yours or someone else’s, and know that you will have two choices: 1) you can be really jaded, or 2) you can be really hopeful about the future and joyful in the moment. And those will be the two choices you face in every situation for the rest of your life.

NOVEMBER

This month I felt hopeful, I would describe it as a divine sense of hope. Being broken open by shock or big changes can make you hungry for the simple things. I hang out with some nuns (when they’ll have me!) and one suggested I read Psalm 139. So I hunted for my Bible, a precious gift I had not troubled myself to touch in 13 years, and…the bookmark was already(!) at Psalm 139… remember how that lady all in red greeted me in the Spring? It was like that moment all over again. Read it, I would love to know your comments. 

DECEMBER 

Which brings me to you!, Dear Reader, who makes my blog and socials entirely worthwhile. Your support gave me the confidence to enroll at The Second City and perform in my first improv show this month. 

And so, with gratitude, I say Thank You Thank You Thank You 

Posted in gratitude | Tagged

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E5

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Title: Dirty Martinis and Dirty Rumours

More Meaningful Title: Watermelon Martinis and Watermelon Tits

I’m excited to watch this episode because I don’t really know what to expect. How will Caroline corner now that she’s actually been brought to tears? My expectations are that she will respond with guns blazing. I further predict her aim will be pointed firmly at Adela. Although it’s truly a crap shoot with Caroline, her venom is not specific. The Ladys could play spin the bottle with an old tampon applicator and the results would be more or less consistent. 

You see Caroline has learned at any cruelty she exerts will be immediately and unquestionably internalized by her victim. She doesn’t have to have a reason to be cruel because her victim will create one. Let’s see how quickly Adela – or whomever – cottons to this reality. 

We open with a wacky montage:
Marissa breast pumping. I didn’t know they made a such a noise! 
Caroline negotiations with her child. She how good you are at this? Have you applied to the UN yet??
and Juliet finger paints because …Juliet.

Marissa, Adela, Lady Julie and Sophie meet for a mafia style sit down just drinks. Marissa wants to let the good times roll. Which means inviting Caroline to drink watermelon martinis, even though she hates fruit because she went to boarding school. I don’t write this script, but I wish I did. 

Marissa says, Caroline is “becoming really unhinged. All her Minions are in London. Who will take off her boots?”

I strongly believe I had something to do with this comment and I couldn’t be more proud. Thanks Marissa!

Fleming cooks. She pretends like this is something we don’t know about her. 

Obviously. She’s an earth goddess! 

She speaks languidly of trips in the forest and of being a mushroom expert… I would mock this but actually, this is true. Being a mushroom expert is a real thing. I used to summer next door to a Czech family who had an actual poster on the wall detailing the different kinds of mushrooms to look for in the specific part of Canada we where in. They also had a small hard cover book that you were supposed to take with you… in the forest …and that I might have stolen…

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Next is the single most interesting segment in the history of #LadiesofLondon.

Just kidding, bitches!

It’s a meal between astonishingly beautiful Caroline and her equally handsome husband Cemmin,  where they discuss a father-daughter trip Cem recently took with this eldest unmarried, YasmineHave you ever noticed how beautiful Caroline is when she is just listening? Caroline feels that NOW is a good time to “build a family life” with her children and her husband in Dubai. I’m struggling with the logic since the kids are practically grown but it falls outside the scope of this blog, so let’s move on… 

HANG ON A MINUTE
I just realized that Caroline has a collection of the sexiest voices I’ve ever heard. Bear with me here, Dear Reader. There’s Cemmin, then Rania, then Adela… and personally, I love to hear Fleming speak.

Working Hypothosis: You can only be friends with Caroline if you have an accent.

Anyway, *Yawn* — get to the good stuff, you crazy kids! 

Cem asks about the Ladys, specifically the last most recent drama with Sophie

WAIT

W H A T 

Since when does a Housewives Husband™ care about what the women are up to? He says that Caroline has been “witness to some of Sophie’s lowest moments”. If that’s not a scripted line, I don’t know anything. 

Breaking! Caroline admits to being stubborn, while Cem is the Voice of Reason™. D U H

Cem: Sophie’s not a bad person 

Caroline: …but I’m just not that nice of a person. 

Right from the housewives mouth, as it were. 

However, the exposition piece is interesting in that Caroline outlines what she wants from the Ladys; she wants people to back her blindly. This is hilariously immature and foolish. Not even her handsome husband backs her blindly. Because he’s not retarded. 

When you hear a woman say, You should back me blindly, please hear 

“I want to treat you as badly as you’ve ever been treated and I never want you to complain about it to me or anyone else. It will be our little secret and that false intimacy will bind you to me tighter than reinforced steel chains, while creating a reasonable facsimile of female friendship in the modern age so no one on the outside can see you dying on the inside”. 

Ugh.

So exasperated was I with my heroines behavior that I asked my own mother what causes people who seemingly have everything to behave cruelly. She breathed a single word: Frustration. To put it plainly, Caroline is a horse that no one lets run. Imagine having an Arabian horse and using it to haul coal. Or a turbo-engine Shelby Cobra that you never drive. Caroline’s blind rage is a function of her hysterical frustration about her limited opportunities. She simply isn’t self-actualizing and it’s heart breaking to watch. She pads her life with more and more stuff thinking it will fill the gaping void that meaning and purpose have vacated. She’ll be in good company in Dubai, no? 

Occasionally you discover that the best part of a person is their family and I think we have rounded this corner with Lady Julie, a woman who believes that coffee is a gateway drug to marijuanaBoth her daughter and her husband are the Wayne and Shuster to her manic flights of fancy, running a hilarious commentary around her pleas for a world where she can control who drinks cow’s milk. We are going to need to see more these two, Bravo. Lady Julie’s daughter calls her “Sugar Tits” before they swan around in prom dress.   Why you ask? Because she will be attending Uni in the fall. I don’t have to say it but Lady Julie cries in this segment. Then she delivers …

…The Best Line of the Episode

“cuz I’m the cool mom”

-Lady Julie

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Speaking of cool moms, Marissa and fam.

Marissa exhibits some seriously strange body language and weirdly posting up on her husbandwho sits on a park bench while they drink coffee. They talk about not moving to California. Then she hisses at him, which I love. We only hiss at the ones we love. Quick point of process, people: Crying is not depression but depression includes crying. Discuss amongst yourselves. 

“Nothing is certain in life, generally.”

-Matt, Bar Owner/ Philosopher King

Cut to…

Caroline, Luke and Rania.

A bad habit Luke has picked up from Caroline is negging other people. Rania enters with bags and he calls her a “bag lady”. Funny how Caroline is not labelled a bag lady when she has a bunch of bags. Nobody buys their makeup from a judgmental little bitch, Luke. That’s why Caroline doesn’t have a makeup line. 

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Caroline literally captioned this #baglady, Luke

 

 Caroline, practicing the fine art of being unpredictable, announces her new enemy: “Marissa started these rumors.”

NO ONE SAW THAT COMING, amirite??

What a thrilling development, Detective Stanbury, if only you provided a shred of evidence. This is a pics-or-it-didn’t-happen-world, Princess. 

One should be carefully of accusing Marissa of anything since it could backfire and make her look like a fucking badass. That she had the wherewithal to spread rumors while being concerned about the future survival of her child is definitely commendable. 

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Draw me like one of your French girls, Luke.

Fleming in Denmark. 

Valdemars Slot is showcased in a mini-commercial a la MTV Cribs. Apparently Fleming owns this place. Cool, bro. The chapel is my fave part. 

Moving on…

Adela and Sophie, in matching stove pipe jeans, have a chat about Caroline. They think her cruelty is caused by external factors. No. Lol. What could this be leading up to, I wonder ?? This segment is somewhat expository in that we learned Adela is both in recovery and has had more than one husband. Hello, my name is Adela and I have made some really bad decisions in my life. Welcome Adela!

We’ve gone a goodly amount of time without Juliet. How long can our luck last?

What time is it, Dear Reader?

It’s time for Marissa’s Watermelon Martini Party!

!!I love it so much!!! 

Marissa is fun and quick and silly. She’s the old Caroline and I miss the old Caroline. 

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Marissa rn

Fuck it’s Juliet™ and Caroline are in a cab

First shot over the bow is Caroline with “No one likes you.” 

Juliet responds “Be careful.”

There you go, Juliet. Caroline can’t stop herself. Is this really the minion life you want?

Sophie and Adela are in a cab. 

If Sophie wanted to seem silly she couldn’t have chosen a better support then holding a rock in her hand to a daytime cocktail party. 

Tiger stones in the cab, will be the title of my fourth book. 

No one is having as much fun as Marissa and Lady Julie, so case closed. They give sage (advice? no, actual sage) to Sophie to smudge her house. Do it on the new moon, Tiger Blood Sophie™. 

Marissa and Caroline chat. 

Adela and Caroline chat. 

Adela is so mature with her delicate apology. I’m immediately in love with this gorgeous woman who is sober, they are so rare. My heart is breaking for this new cast member with a seemingly sordid past…

Oops now she’s crying.

Oops it’s The Ugly Cry. 

Juliet holds Tiger-Blood Sophie back from consoling Adela with “Let them handle it.” Whoa, welcome to the show señora reasonable, who the fuck are you?

oooohhh

Me, rn

I’m sad that when Caroline shows the smallest modicum of human decency,  people – horribly wounded people who literally don’t know any better- classify this as a “really warm heart”. 

No she doesn’t! You are brainwashed! 

First of all, it would be cool if the general conversation stopped trying to evaluate Caroline’s immortal soul. She is neither strictly a good person nor a bad person and if she was, none of you are religious and it’s not your call. She is missing is a empathy chip in her power tower. She doesn’t give a desert shit, she just wants Adela to stop crying and leave so she can talk about her behind her back. I don’t even have to watch the next episode to know this. You know why? Because I’ve watched the past episodes. Caroline’s meanness works for tremendously well for her and she’s never gonna change. 

Food Caroline Talked About Eating: None

Food Caroline Actually AteSparkling water. While food (in the form of a Kardashian-style salad) is delivered to the table, none is set in front of her. Same, Caroline.

Image result for regina george is butter a carb Image result for regina george is butter a carb

Next Week! Ping Pong, some other stuff that does not look interesting and a mafia style tea sit down Sophie and Caroline. Lemme guess, Caroline tries to make Sophie feel bad about something that Caroline will immediately forget when she picks a new victim.

Right?!?:

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, team caroline

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E4

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Juliet, Caroline is not your friend.

Episode 4: Tantrums and Titles

More Meaningful Title: Fishwives of London!

So, we’re back at the Formal Dinner of Doom™ being hosted by Lady Julie at Mapperton …and chaos ensues. 

A line of the episode

“I can be spoiled.”

-Caroline Stanbury, establishing her priorities 

Adela directly challenges Caroline and she evacuates via helicopter rescue off the roof of the American Embassy in Saigon has Luke pick her up. She refers to this as “my car, my driver, my turf, my home”. Since only the whitest of trash drive G wagons in my neighbourhood, I’m worried about her bragging about this. Juliet leaves with her.

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Speaking if bragging, I’m interested to know if this was a lucky shot on the part of Adela or if she’s really an opponent worthy of my continued interest. I hope it’s the latter. The women repeatedly say that Caroline could have “controlled” the attack but truly that is not fair. She pleaded and begged to have Sophie and Adela STOP talking to her, and they refuse. They smell blood and go in for the kill. Then blame the victim. I’m interested in Caroline’s reaction to behaviour she has pioneered at boarding school: she tears up in the car. 

W A I T 

 I need a moment of silence to absorb this development. 

Is this real or for the show? Hmmmm…

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I mean, Caroline Stanbury

Boarding school is mentioned one zillion times.

I’m going to become an actual psychologist so I can ask one question upon graduation: 

What happened at boarding school, Caroline?!?!

Annotated List of Things People Say

Juliet: Caroline has always had my back. 

bwhahahaha trolololol …such a lie, you are exceptionally stupid Juliet. That might become her new name on this blog. What prize do I get when Caroline worms her way back to her friends and shits on Juliet? Or tries to fuck Gregor again? Should I be satisfied with the knowledge that I was right? Or is there a cash bonus?

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Juliet rn

Caroline: Adela is the problem. 

Oh. Fascinating. I’m glad we’ve collared the perp. Let’s revisit this accusation at a later date. 

Caroline: Sophie should be sticking up for me. 

Oh. Also Fascinating. 

Like the debt of gratitude she owes you for the falling out you recently had? 

Where she apologized and you refused to accept it? 

Where you told her you’d never trust her again? 

And your expectation was that …she would run after you? 

Lol, the very audacity … but watch carefully, Dear Reader; no sooner does Caroline leave then Sophie tells Adela “Caroline says she’s picked you out of the gutter a few times”. Oops. 

You really do have a big mouth, Sophie. 

Lady Julie, wearing a gorgeous fur over her shoulders, is spectacular at the head of the table. She does not cry. She has decided not to invite Caroline and Juliet ever again. Whether it’s true or not, that’s the right spirit, Lady Julie! 

This whole batshit segment, Fleming is sooooo reasonable. I love it. Everything she says is baronessperfect™. I love this side of her.

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The Next Morning

Luke and Caroline in bed. Of course

Then she orders him to get the door. Of course

Sophiegloves laced and tone deaf, enters as a prize fighter and basically boxes Caroline into a corner. The day may have had a chance of being salvaged if Sophie had given the woman space. 

Leave her alone, Sophie. Get lost. You really are blind in the same way Juliet is blind. I can see why Caroline likes you both; once set in a direction, you move forward regardless of logic or reason or sense. But, why? Why can’t either one of you think for yourselves? 

Caroline, now your creatures are set to destroy you. Next time you design “minions” you may want to input an ON/OFF switch.

Meanwhile, at Gift Library outside on a porch swing…

Juliet and Adela get into it. I’m so embarrassed when Juliet speaks.

Lady Julie does not speak, then excuses herself, then moves on with her life. Then she makes a joke at Caroline Stanbury’s expense. I’m so proud of her I’m literally standing up clapping at the TV. 

You will make a magnificent Viscountess!

Even Kim, whose been as talkative as a cloistered nun this trip, becomes annoyed by Juliet who can’t operate a fishing pole. 

Welcome to the show, Kim. We drink a lot here. 

Cut to…

Luke and Caroline taking a romantic walk on at the English seaside. Luke is either bored or scared of water because he keeps looking over his shoulder like a paranoid thief.

“I don’t need people with me…I should have been a gay man.”

-Caroline, misunderstanding sexual orientation 

In direct counterpoint, the women have a fantastic day fishing on the boat.

It’s total magic. They catch a variety of fish and Fleming names her fish Bernard. Because he looks like Bernard, obviously. To me all fish look radioactive. 

Juliet and Adela hug it out. Because the way to deal with Juliet is by not listening to a word that falls out of her dumb pie hole. 

Point, Adela for figuring it out so quickly. 

The Pub Lunch of Doom™

Caroline winds herself up with Luke in the car ride over. Luke’s genius is never saying a word in either direction. Caroline joins the freshly fished women and sits with her back to Sophie.

Juliet, foaming at the mouth, can’t wait to cause a rift and begins whispering to Caroline about what they talked about. There’s a friend, Caroline! Sometimes I think it’s poetic justice that Caroline is stuck with Juliet as her only female friend. At one point, Juliet spits out some venomous comment to Sophie that sounds like “divorcing your brother”. I would have smacked her little mouth off. If I ever see Exceptionally Stupid™ Juliet in real life one of us is going to end up with a bruise. 

Caroline immediately regains supremacy by casting Sophie out of the group. Caroline calls Sophie a “toss pot” — thems fightin’ words, if only anyone knew what it meant. 
 On the side of the angels, Lady Julie is a woman reborn. She takes Caroline aside and they chat. She explains her point so beautifully. She does listen to Caroline so naturally it’s like she’s a therapist. I can’t believe I’m saying this but: Point, Lady Julie vs Caroline Stanbury!

Lady Julie provides a Mapperton swag bag to all the ladies including a tea towel, but no sooner is her back turned then Caroline mocks it. What a coward you are, Stanbury.

This is why you need Jesus

It’s been three blog posts and I’m literally starting to hate you. You never miss an opportunity to take the opportunity. Is this really who you want to be? A vicious twisted little soul with only your hired help as your friends? Don’t complain you are lonely this season when you relentlessly behave like a hapless cunt.

Speaking of tea towels, under Lady Julie’s management the gift library gift shop at Mapperton is increasing revenue. I’m so hap– no wait, it’s still running in the red. Fuck. 

Back in London. 

DId I mention that I loved loved loved Fleming in this episode?

She also can do a headstand and “breath…into…the…center…of…her… existence”.

I’m jealous? 

Yes. Yes, I am. *heads to hot yoga*

Caroline bows out of Sophie kid’s birthday party. This is a new low. 

Sophie is so raw from her divorce that she blabs about how bad her ex is.

Careful girlfriend, never a good look. 

In turn, the ex is so raw he can’t see himself established in the father role and is basically running away from the whole situation. It’s a crying shame and while Caroline may be exhausted by Sophie, the amount of good she can do in this moment is worth eating a small amount of crow. You will all live to regret your behavior, whores

 Regina-Georrge, shut up.gif

 

Food Caroline talked about eating: None

Food she actually ate: None

Times boarding school was mentioned: Countless 

 Tears Caroline shed: Priceless 
Next Week: a lot of talking, Adela cries (ugh, don’t give into the dark side, Adela), Marissa reappears, …ah who cares, nothing will top the episode where Caroline cried. 

__________________________________________

Dear Reader, I know I won’t see you before Christmas and New Year so I want to wish the merriest and the happiest of both. I’ve rec’d so many Christmas gifts in this one episode I don’t know how to express my happiness. Remember to drink champagne, watch the black and version of A Christmas Carol with Alastair Sim and live with gratitude and peace in your heart. Next year, all our troubles will be far away. To All The Ladies (of London, and beyond): You are my favorite group of trainwrecks, and I learn from you every week…

For example, look at this twitter exchange between Marissa and a third party.

Now look at Juliet’s comment attacking Marissa.

Displaying IMG_5608.PNG

Juliet, are you losing your mind?

Image result for regina george gifs

…but she’s my only friend rn. – CS

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, team caroline | Tagged , ,

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E3

annabelle-i-didnt-name-these-horses

Episode 3: Rules of EnRAGEment

More Meaningful Title: Call Me A Cab!

Busses. Fast busses. Whizzing by. Double-decker busses, red busses, cabs. Fast modes of transport with a house beat. It’s a rave in a bus terminal! Glimpses of the ladies lives are provided; Caroline is learning Arabic, Juliet is fighting with her food and Lady Julie is in bonne forme at Mapperton. Y A Y 

Open on Tits McGee Marissa and her swollen breasts. The three of them together with her husband are bantering about the idea of moving to California. This would effectively eliminate Marissa from the show, so where is this idea coming from? I don’t like it. I also don’t like when a man says he’s jealous of a baby breastfeeding because he already owns the breasts in question. Grow the shit up, asshole. This whole segment is about Marissa’s breasts and their desire to have a cocktail. get it?

N E X T 

Fleming meets with a therapist. I am filled with trepidation because her last filmed therapy session was pretty dodgy. Fleming decides to cut the shit and just be honest; her father (the grand ol’ duke Baron of york denmark?) – who btw is on his 3rd wife, so he’s in no position to judge anyone – has never been a supportive figure. In short, I have no idea who this cat is because after a quick internet search I can find NOTHING in English on the Baron himself. He is Danish royalty without a wikipedia page, it appears. This is curious. Fleming glosses over some divorce unpleasantness in 2007 and then declares she wants to live a life of “love and loyalty”. I want to live a life where Dr. Phil interviews Fleming and her entire extended family in a 6-part prime time series. The segment includes a brief flashback of some well-dressed old crone saying something hurtful to Fleming back in Denmark, then leaping from the table to have a cigarette before Fleming can respond. I immediately flash on Cruella de Vil and I want this horrible person to be eaten by wild dalmation puppies.

Image result for cruella deville
The Baron’s 3rd wife

Fleming, I love you! 

Know that you are unhealthily obsessed over by a stranger in Canada ADORED!

Things Lady Julie says out loud and on TV:

“Should I have cooked this baby longer?”

“I am Han Solo and Marissa is Chewbacca

“England lost the evolutionary war”

But what she lacks in sense, Lady Julie makes up for in new confidence now that she is Lady of the Mapper see what I did there?. Equipped with an executive butler she calls her “secret weapon” she decides to host the Ladies at Mapperton

There is no way this plan can fail! *

LOL, drowning.gif

Lady Julie rn

Sophie and Adela travel the four hours by car together and arrive on time, proving they were raised correctly. Fleming, Juliet and fifth-wheel Kim opt for a ride with Caroline and her live-in babysitter makeup artist Luke Henderson and arrive 4.5 hours late. Notable things that happen in the car are a) they drive by Stonehenge b) they eat vegetables off plates using silver cutlery whilst riding in a Range Rover c) Juliet brings another jeroboam of rosee. Where the fuck is she getting them?

Right up front, I have to say that bringing your gay friend on a girls’ weekend is brutal. It’s clear from the start that Caroline is using him as a shield and he’s allowing it for one reason: she’s paying him to. He has the square root of fuck all invested in the other women, not to mention Mapperton. I know a lot of older women who retreat into overly close “friendships” with their hired staff when they feel the world is against them. It makes a woman brittle. Remember how she hugged her interior designer rather than her sister? I don’t want that for Caroline.

Watch carefully, because everything Caroline does from this moment forward is to punish Lady Julie for her success.

1. Caroline and Luke are wearing matching fatigues. They are dressed for war.

2. The group goes for a tour of the grounds. Caroline slinks in back literally behind Luke’s body and makes snide comments. No matter what Lady Julie says, Caroline is going to mock it. That’s the game, bitches!

3. They separate to dress for dinner. Caroline and her bodyguard MUA, Fleming, Juliet and Kim (?) are relegated to some hostel in a seaside fishing village, instead of staying in the manor like Sophie and Adela. This is so much shade thrown by Lady Julie that I can barely stand it. No wonder Caroline is pissed.

4. Caroline is several hours late for dinner. When her entourage finally arrives at Mapperton, every woman at the table is furiously smiling out of fear, except Caroline, who gives no fucks.

5. Lady Julie announces that tomorrow’s frolic is fishing. Caroline immediately begins to fuss. Nothing specific, mind you, just enough to keep all the attention on herself and no one else. Magic!

6. The group gangs up on Caroline. This was to be expected, since they are on Lady Julie’s turf, and a rare slip for such a skilled strategist. Does Luke step in and defend her? No, because he wasn’t even at the dinner. So how useful was it to have him in the first place? She spent all that time and money looking beautiful for a bunch of other women who don’t really like her. 

Juliet– being stupid Juliet – backs Caroline for no discernible reason. She waves her runty arms around and declares it all to be “aristocratic bullshit”. Then put your fork down and LEAVE, asshole. Stop eating the aristocrats food, you hypocrite. God, I wish I could get in a fist fight with Juliet. In my imagination this dinner ends with Juliet tied to an antique chair with a chicken leg jammed in her mouth, a sign that reads “aristocratic bullshit” around her neck. I’m grateful that she is being replaced by the other pretty, younger and more English brunette, Kim. Please note, Dear Reader, if the glass slipper was on the other foot, Caroline WOULD NOT defend Juliet. I’m telling you because Juliet doesn’t listen.

Lady Julie – and all well-meaning women like her- have a fatal flaw when it comes to known sociopaths and it’s treating them like human beings. Caroline is playing the Omarosa card. Omarosa would have stabbed a person to death in live TV if she thought it would help her ratings. Is Caroline really any different? I caution darling Caroline, Omarosa lost a husband to this behavior because no man wants to be married to an actual Mean Girl™. But maybe you are different. You aren’t different. 

caroline-stanbury-chanel-bag

…and have!

Lady Julie, here are a couple of options when dealing with gross people who deliberately mess up your party by arriving late and in sour temper:

  1. Don’t invite them to anything that has a formal start time. Just don’t. Make an excuse, it doesn’t matter how flimsy. Don’t put yourself through that. Other people will see it and respect your time going forward. It’s called establishing healthy boundaries. Try it with Lesley, Lady Julie. 
  2. Wouldn’t it be fun and unpredictable to have a musical guest or performance start at the stated time, instead of dinner? Maybe Caroline ‘s fave singer @iamparsonjames so that in an effort to ruin your dinner she actually missed out on something she would enjoy. Of course, she would immediately say she no longer liked his music but this is just one iteration of various possibilities. Why not try it that next time? Let your imagination run wild. It’s what Caroline does. 
  3. When Caroline or anyone fusses about fishing or any divertissements you’ve arranged at your own expense, gently disinvite them rather than cajole them into coming. Quietly agree that they would not enjoy it for the ridiculous reasons they’ve put forward and remind them that the boat won’t wait. Encourage them to have a lie-in or breakfast in bed or whatever it is they want to do instead. Smile sweetly and say that you’ll discuss it later. Change the conversation. I’ve done this, it works. Remember: trying to cajole keeps the cajolee in the power position. Caroline knows this. Caroline knew you would try. Congratulations Lady Julie, you’ve just extended your torment by another 24 hours. You really are the architect of your own prison.

It’s weird — this blog is devoted to CS and yet I’ve spent the last two posts detailing how to manipulate her. I’m sad it’s coming to this. The great news is that Caroline is an exceptionally fast learner and once she senses manipulation she will evacuate to safer domains where she can rule as Queen. So when Caroline doesn’t want to be friends, rest assured it’s because you rep too much of a challenge. 

A quick word to Caroline herself: now that you’ve established your specific brand of crazy,mean and selfish; DON’T BACK DOWN. Lady Julie is not worth your time if it’s in fact true that you consider her life a “noose”. Omarosa never, never apologized. And now she works for the President-Elect.  Caroline, filling your socials with well-meaning innocent bystanders and third-party admirers prattling foolishly about how you have “a big heart” just re-enforces how little they really know you. No one believes that hookers have a heart of gold and no one believes you do, either. That isn’t what is making you popular. You wanted this life, Caroline, you wanted all the attention. Now you have it.

Where are you taking it?

More importantly, where are you taking us??

Don’t bring us on this journey only to run away.

You have the power of a thousand suns within you, Caroline. I would much prefer seeing you meet your real match in Dubai.  

Can you get involved in world politics? 

And disaster relief? 

And Syria? 

These topics are more worthy of your skill set. The universe didn’t put you and your smart brain at the top of the food chain for you to spend your life shilling personalized iPhone cases. 

Will Caroline eat any of her dinner?

Will the other women get up and follow her? Y E S DUM DUMs

Will she be cajoled back to the table? Y E S DUM DUMs

To Be Continued!

Food Caroline Talked About Eating:

When Fleming invites her to lunch, Caroline (having already binged and purged for the day) simply frowns. So elegant.

Same, Caroline. 

Food Caroline Actually Ate: None. 

Please note, Lady Julie’s dinner is not yet finished… there’s still hope. 

Times Caroline mentioned boarding school: 1

Next Week: 

Day 2 of Lady Julie’s “Adventures in Aristocratic Bullshit” include Boats, Beaches and Bitches! Hopefully Juliet falls overboard. 

* This plan will fail, Lady Julie.

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E2

caroline-stanbury-head-shake

 

Episode 2: A Tale of Two Stanburys

More Meaningful Title: It’s the worst of times

Cold open on the hospital with Marissa lying prone in a hospital bed. She stirs and mutters something that sounded like 

“2.5 gallons [of blood] is double my body weight.”

Nope! I’m quite sure that’s inaccurate! 

Here are other words I hear: 

hysterectomy 

placenta in bladder

prolapsed vagina

Marissa, cool it with the morphine. She also tilts between laughing and crying, but she has an excuse; she just had a baby. 

Lady Julie is showing some serious (JU)balls and I’m luxuriating in it. Given half a chance, Lady Julie intends to knock the gift shoppe industry on its ear. But first she needs to retire this Lesley character, who is casting shade on Lady Julie’s design ideas for tea cloths and mugs for Mapperton. This is must be serious because she thinks someone will write about this in a “textbook” and that someone else will “read about it 100 years from now”

The world is yours, Lady Julie! 

Image result for the world is yours scarface
Lady Julie rn

Readers Note: With her husband, Lady Julie isn’t a complete wimp. She speaks, walks and behaves quite normally. I’m so proud of her! Oh wait… then she starts crying …fuck it. New Rule! No crying without an infant on the tit, Lady Julie!

Earth Goddess Fleming has a sit down with a new person, a 29 year old bride-to-be named Kim who brings the brunette count on this show to two. Not sure what this segment was supposed to convey but I’m unimpressed. However, if it occurs to you (i.e. It’s the subject of a news article) that your husband may be marrying you because you bear a striking resemblance to one of his former wives, consider a pre-nup, ok baby?

“Kim is deeply connected to her heart”

-Fleming, bravely saying what we were all thinking 

I’m scared Fleming doesn’t know that poor people have hearts, too.

For reasons I’ll never understand, the editors jam in a quick shot of Caroline bathing her children. Off-camera are 6 nannies with a series of ropes and pulleys creating this seamless effect. 

Fleming arrives in Denmark with… Juliet?! Not sure why this is happening but Copenhagen is stunning and I’m content to be here vicariously. Upon arrival Fleming begins to attack the hotel bed until it is ready for a military inspection.  I can see why she and Caroline are friends. One has never met a bed she didn’t like and the other has never met one she does. I’ve said this before, but Fleming and Caroline occupy opposite ends of a white lady spectrum and truly balance each other out. Which leads one to wonder, why didn’t Caroline come instead?

Best line of the episode:

I’m quite funny to sleep with.

-Fleming, being modest

Cut to– 

Fleming and Juliet getting ready. One moves at warp speed and one is slower than molasses in January. I’ll let you assign names. In the talking head segment, Juliet makes a rather clever anal joke but I’m ignoring it because I reject her title of “blogger”. Next to Fleming, Juliet seems almost housebroken. I’m impressed. 

Fleming attends The Elle Style Awards and makes a gaffe when she answers some reporters questions too honestly sending Fleming into a tail spin.

Uh oh. 

But they get to meet Tori Spelling!

So, I declare this segment a draw. 

Back in London, Caroline and her sister Victoria examine the interior design drawings of her new home in Dubai over glasses of champagne. I feel uncomfortable watching this segment because I feel like Caroline brought her baby sis along simply to brag, and Victoria is so mortified that her face burns red. If the home in Dubai is anything less than a full scale reproduction of an Egyptian pyramid I’m going to be dissatisfied.  You will note, Dear Reader, that Sophie (Caroline’s ex-sister-in-law) has an interior design business but was not called upon for this job. 

I stamp this segment Exhibit A for submission to Shade Court. 

Just kidding, the whole segment is an embarrassing plug for the furniture collection that Caroline is putting her name to with Earlcrown. Quick question; does Caroline have to share the proceeds of her venture with Bravo??

We learn a bit more about Caroline’s childhood and it’s so great I can’t actually speak about it…

But I’ll try. 

There are pictures of her in school uniforms cut like little sailor suits. We learn that she hated it so much she vomited and no one in her family rescued her. 

WAIT It’s really sad, actually. 

We also learn from this expository segment that Caroline considers herself an upmarket hippie; she does not want to be tied down to anyone or anything. I find this confusing based on her conspicuous consumption. Isn’t she so proud of her purse collection that she arranges it all on the floor like Lindsay Lohan in the midst of a Ritalin binge? 

In fact, it is a bold lie; the equivalent of an all-in bluff in poker. Caroline wants – and has always wanted- everything everybody else has. If you accept this premise, the remainder of the season will make sense. Caroline wants everyone to be pea green with envy and that’s a nice way to feel. She’s so elated that she initiates a hug! Not with her sister, but with the designer. I don’t begrudge her happiness, but tbh I don’t know anyone who would voluntarily moves to a desert in the Middle East.

Pop Quiz Hot Shot!

Ladies of London Trivia:

Which character has a self described love child? oh la la

The answer may won’t surprise you. 

“Minion” Sophie and Marissa have lunch. Marissa, entirely aware of Caroline’s machinations and grasping for relevance this season, stupidly winds Sophie up. You have bigger sausage to fry, hot dog lady. 

Enter The Dragon Snarl ™

Image result for snarls
Caroline rn

Dear Reader, bear with me a moment and read about micro-expressions. This is the most telling physical indication of Caroline’s innermost dialogue. Caroline at the very heart is filled with an unspeakable rage. 

I would love to know why. 

It manifests as a profound sense of betrayal. She creates an empty blond veneer – her “representative” if you will – whom she sends out to complete the majority of her daily tasks. Caroline can’t understand why others can’t do the same. As a result she fears and rejects weakness. In fact, she needs to attack it. My fear is that she won’t be able to keep the lid on this season…

The Snarl™ is first glimpsed when Caroline and Adela go shopping. Adela hilariously outs Caroline as a former fashion victim and ridiculous copycat. 

Gotta love her honesty. 

Then she goes a step too far and  she advises that she is immune to Caroline’s rage. 

Is this why people think blonds are stupid?

For some silly reason invented by the producers, Adela takes Lady Julie’s “side” in the last garden party debacle. This sends Caroline round the twist and they cause a scene in a shoe store. Caroline, betrayed, calls Adela disloyal, pathetic and stupid. Please note, this is how she behaves with a “friend”. 

Sophie visits Caroline. Are you wearing body armour, Dear Reader? Maybe you should. Caroline, upset at both Sophie’s friendship with Lady Julie (betrayal) and Sophie crying at the garden party (weakness), proceeds to screams at Sophie like a dockside fish wife. Sophie apologizes – which Caroline refuses to accept – and leans forward and snarls at Sophie, saying “Oh yes, I will win this fight”. If don’t get that exact phrase recorded as a ring tone before the end of 2016, my life will have been lived in vain. Please note, this is how Caroline behaves with “family”. 

So Sophie my dear, how do you handle a woman like this? Well, you have two choices:

  1. Avoid her like the plague.
  2. Hit her as hard as you can with a closed fist, directly in the eye. 

I’m not even kidding. Women like Carolyn can only be consumed in one way and that is by becoming more unpredictable than she is. Your options are truly varied: you can spread a rumour that you slept with her husband, you can actually sleep with her husband (as Caroline tried to do with Juliet’s husband), you can pick her children up from school when she is not expecting it and laugh it off like a big misunderstanding, or you can beat her like an egg. Caroline’s pride will prevent her from reporting it and she will actually learn to respect you. It’s counter intuitive, right? Trust me, it works. 

No surprise, Soph-nugget, most women will choose option #1. But that gives Caroline the advantage since she knows you will try to take the “high road”. It is far too easy to disturb the peace of a woman trying to remain civil, when Caroline has no such boundaries. And she never will. 

She is pure id. And that is why I love her so.


What won’t work Sophie, and I caution you and every woman ever to be in your situation, is a passive-aggressive alliance against Caroline with all the other Ladies at this late juncture. You entered this show as Caroline’s creature. Ask yourself, isn’t that really why Lady Julie wants to know you? It will take a significant amount of time to build authentic relationships. Time you don’t really have. Remember Sophie, you may have divorced her brother but you are stuck with Caroline for life. Food for thought. 

Speaking of food; no one ate any. 

Same, whores. *crunches a gluten-free choco biscuit*

Food Caroline actually ate: None, she mostly just spit vitriol. 

That’s why she’s so skinny!

Times someone mentioned boarding school: 2 

Stop chewing the scenery, Fleming; this is Caroline’s line!***

Next Week: The Ladies visit Mapperton and it becomes a Master Class in the Caroline Stanbury method of manipulation and control, until it all blows up in her face. Or, does it? Can’t wait!



***The author wants you to know that she also went to boarding school. In Switzerland.

Posted in Uncategorized

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E1

Goddess Divine

Welcome! Welcome, friends! Dear Readers, did you miss me? I missed you a whole bunch.

Season 3 Introduction, for the newbies

Historically, the Ladies of London franchise has been shaky. Americans think middle-aged British women are boring and snobbish – they simply have no concept of how great London actually is. (Reader’s Note: It’s fucking great.) And the British are embarrassed by everything, mostly housewives in general. So this show panders to a very narrow demographic of globally minded women (and men? Write in the comments, my brothers!) who actually know who these characters are and care about their antics. Not to mention how awful Season 1 was, with that poor man who died at the end. The same thing happened on RHOBH and it has never truly recovered–instead it morphed into that neo-fascist pro-apartheid American version of Coronation Street with more veneral disease, the vile Vanderpump RulesBut Ladies of London has what no other franchise has; the great and powerful Caroline Stanbury. My prediction is that Ladies of London needs to showcase how cosmopolitan London is, include fun facts, (pop-up video style!) and include a more detailed bio with each character. Just a suggestion @Bravo that I could showrun this franchise better than you plus, what does showrun mean?

…and that is what I wrote before I saw the hellish hellscape lip syncing marketing bit used for commercial television. I was paralyzed with embarrassment. It stands to reason the one should subject oneself to only so much humiliation in the pursuit of reality television, and we have reached that nadir. If Ladies of London can’t attract an audience on its own, you are hardly going to do so by making fools of them. The only one who looks good doing it is Fleming, go figure. Plus, I hate Bravo for trying to knock the crown from my queens’ head. But enough about that, let’s get started!

Title: London Friends are Falling Down

More Meaningful Title: The original title is so bad that I want to keep it, but for clarity it really should be We Are All A Bunch of Basic Bitches Stuck In The BPast

Aaaaaaannnnnnddddd BWE’RE BACK BITCHES!!!!! The moment I saw the first commercial my breath literally stuck in my throat– that’s true love, people. Trust.

The opening credits are brief and to the point. Notable addition to the main cast is Sophie (Y A S S s s).  Since most Americans can not find their own state when provided with a map of the US, being specific about where these women live is both appropriate and useless. It is upon this knife edge of relevance and absurdity that the cast of Ladies of London balances precariously.

Lady Julie opens the season by entering a room in her own home that she appears to have never seen before, filled with mystifying furniture from the bpast. Classically daft Lady Julie! I missed you! This must be what it was like for Tori Spelling growing up.

Lady Julie begins speaking to Powder a man I immediately assumed was her butler but I am quickly corrected: he is Luke, her husband, the future Earl of Sandwich (stop laughing, Dear Reader, it’s a real thing). A man who is in line to the British throne. Way to bury the lede, Bravo. Would it not be helpful to assign name tags? I mean, Caroline Stanbury’s silly makeup artist gets better billing. They proceed to take promotional pictures in front of Mapperton and Lady Julie cries that becoming a (vis?)Countess is overwhelming, according to my research her title will be viscountess, am I wrong? Then compares herself to Kate Middleton — the actual future queen of England— whose correct name is Catherine Middleton. You may want to remember that Lady Julie. #firstworldproblems

We open on a woman in bed and naturally I assume it’s Caroline Stanbury, who has never met a bed she didn’t like. Quelle surprise! It’s a heavily pregnant Marissa who is hours away from being successfully delivered of her third child, a baby girl. There are some medical issues here but since that is waaaayyyy toooooo serious for a show I watch while getting blind drunk on Tuesday nights, so I’m going to gloss over it. 

Congratulations Marissa (thanks for liking my tweets, pretty mama) and Matt!

On Wednesdays, we wear pink.



Cut to– Two drunk whores awaken in an expensive hotel room surrounded by filth…WAIT …WAIT A MINUTE. It’s MY baby girl! It’s Caroline Stanbury on the morning after her 40th birthday sleeping with …Sophie, her sister-in-law. Classic Caroline party move! O I missed you the most!

Uh oh

Make that her ex-sister-in-law, because Sophie announces she is getting divorced from Caroline’s brother. Ugh.

Reader’s Note: Here’s my theory on Beautiful People divorcing when money and domestic abuse are not at issue: Don’t. Just don’t. Better to waste your money on marriage counselling and trips abroad then to waste it on the upcoming divorce party Sophie is about to host for herself. Think about it: Your life has never been hard and now it’s hard and your coping skills are “Fuck it I’m outta here”. You know who would never fall for that: Caroline Stanbury. She would simply kill her husband. And make it look like an accident.

To Sophie’s face Caroline makes noises with her giant mole hole that she will… something… support Sophie through this difficult time, maybe? 

No, Caroline is too smart to box herself into a verbal agreement like that. 

Let’s wait and see how much this generalized platitude is worth in hard currency, Sophie. I suspect the exchange rate will on par with the thai baht.

A supermodel “nurse” walks in and begins to hook up Caroline and Sophie to a hangover cure via IV drip. This would hold my full attention if it weren’t for Caroline mistakenly mentioning that she misses her catastrophic business failure, Gift Library. She talks about “doing cartwheels in the office”, which might be British for “I took a bunch of selfies, called my staff bitches to their shocked faces and no work got done” as the flashback footage confirms. Since “giftlibrary” is my safeword I immediately fall into a deep slumber. Zzzzzz 


Caroline, I can tell you don’t have a graduate degree so let me give you a quick biz pro tip: never mention failure. It removes you from the power position and the lighting is bad. (i.e. Not a good look, girlfriend). 

To recap this amazing segment: Sophie discusses the biggest personal failure she has ever expereinced and Caroline steals the spotlight by bringing up an old business failure which can’t really compare to a divorce. Well played, Caroline.

Cut to– Fleming at home, packing for a trip! 

 Fleming how I missed you! Can I say something here? Of course I can! This is my fucking blog. It’s created entirely out of my own imagination. 

So let me say, Fleming’s musical intro is fire

1000 thai baht to the person to finds out the name of that song!

But a dark cloud hangs over Fleming (why is this show so serious this season??). Her beloved father is dying of cancer and she must travel weekly to Denmark to be with him. At the same level of emotional magnitude is the fact her child left cookie crumbs in her bed. Based on her initial reaction, I thought she had discovered bedbugs. 

Get a grip, Fleming.

Since all women are products of our fathers terrible parenting, we are reminded that Flemings father has frowned on every major life decision she has ever made. I hate this because Fleming is my own personal earth goddess writ large. Parents like Flemings do more harm than good and hopefully she will not repeat the mistake. Just stay in bed and eat cookies with your son whilst you await the inevitable.

Best line of the episode:

“I’m very attached to my physical body”

– Fleming, on the Theory of Relativity

Caroline is staying in a rented Surrey home until her entire family can be relocated to Dubai, at the end of the summer. It is absolute madness with packing boxes everywhere. Caroline introduces a new character, Adela; a size zero that Caroline describes as “big everything “. In the same segment Adela describes Caroline as “sensitive”. 

Point, Caroline

In true Stanbury form, Caroline immediately treats her guests as employees and puts them to work doing hard labour. Then complains they are doing it wrong and crawls into bed. 

Atta girl, Caroline. Match point.

Second Best Line of the Episode:

“I’m not a tree.”

-Caroline Stanbury, on the power of self discovery.

 

The Main Event: Sophie’s Divorce Party

Where do I start with a manufactured storyline that isn’t worth the pixels it’s written on? Basically, Dear Reader, it’s a love triange from Hell. 

“Village Foghorn” Lady Julie is still hysterical over a throwaway comment made by Caroline about her yoga prowess 15 months ago, at a 2014 NYE party. Caroline is upset Sophie evens speaks to Lady Julie and keeps trying to separate them because Caroline doesn’t like to share. Going into the party, Caroline blames Sophie for telling tales (?) and claims she will “finish it” with Lady Julie. It’s important to remember that no matter the issue at hand, Caroline always complains that she “is in the middle” of something. This is a manifestation of her own magnificient ego and keeps her in the power position. If Caroline could harness these powers of manipulation and spin and focus them on the business world she would be unstoppable. 

Intro Juliet with a small dog and a jerobaum of rosee… and that’s it. 

Thanks for coming out Juliet! I didn’t miss you at all.

Caroline winds the group up until a global summit of affected persons is called in the middle of the fucking garden party. Lady Julie rehashes the past. By “finish it”, Caroline meant letting Juliet do the work for her and “Service Dog/Bitch” Juliet inexplicably attacks Lady Julie. So that’s why Juliet was in the shot: for comic relief. Got it.

Caroline and Lady Julie proceed to fight over Sophie’s bloated corpse like a pair of hungry pythons because one of them thinks she’s tough and one of them is the living embodiment Sun Tzu. Nothing is more “dangerous” than a lamb who thinks it’s a lion. It’s not a fair fight and Lady Julie stalks off.

Here’s the real issue, Dear Readers: Lady Julie outranks Caroline and in British society, this matters. I looked it up. While Caroline Stanbury does exist in the Peerage, Lady Julie is above her. Lady Julie, if you want to see what Caroline is truly capable of, then dangle that British title off your skeletal American finger thereby compounding the three things that Caroline admires most;  America, anorexia and a-title. My prediction is Caroline will fall madly in love with Lady Julie the moment she sees how this connection can benefit her family.

Actually this episode was very boring. I’ve heard that a documentary about watching paint dry received some good reviews so I’m gonna go do that…hopefully next week the producers at Bravo will have returned from their self-imposed exile. Take Care, Felicia.

 

Food Caroline talked about this episode: Biting Lady Julie. 

Frankly, I’m surprised that it took this long to get to cannnibalism.

Food Caroline Actually Ingested in this Episode: A glass of Pinot and an IV drip, not on that order.

Times Caroline mentioned going to Boarding School: 1
Times Caroline mentioned Kissing Women: 1

Next Week: Marissa holds her baby, Fleming looks at her phone and Sophie gets yelled at.

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