The Queen

The Queen regards the whole known world and never considers it ‘discovered’;

Her Majesty unfolds as silent as the dawn, blistering at the corners.

 

The Queen acknowledges your deepest truth. And does not press it to you.

Her Majesty contains a quiet wisdom and a wild patience. 

 

The Queen is still as gravestones. A nuclear winter gone to seed.

Her Majesty is wisdom, Ask at Delphi what you need.

 

The Queen abhors the flashy things. Her example is a diamond.

It blends and shapes within your eye. Her Majesty draws the honest lineman. 

 

The Queen takes joy in her own royal Person, though Her flesh barely covers.

Heart afire, Burning bone. Her Majesty is not a toy!

 

The Queen is strong like seasoned oak, the fresh cold wind does not bend her.

Hear her whistle through the trees, Her Majesty is behind it. 

 

The Queen is Spring reborn, Arising from the foam.

Under the downy covers, Her Majesty is feral.

 

The Queen conjugates the future hard; your trifles are such empty things.

She trusts her own raw judgements. Her Majesty is Kings. 

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Posted in Uncategorized

TabooFX: Who is James Delaney?

To what do we owe the honour? From whose fevered imagination springs this story so fully formed and bursting with so much talent it can scarcely be counted? Like a filthy river stirred up and choking with organic matter, it needs not rely on endless chatter to drive the narrative forward but a pleasing silence and quietude as each bitter scene flows to the next, absent only tranquility. We are heading for the rapids. 

James Delaney, the lead character, is a man with a past. We have learned through scraps of conversation and confounding flashback sequences that he is a son and heir to a small port off what is now the coast of British Columbia. His father, an Englishman, bought his mother in a trade of “a few beads” making James of dubious lineage, something his societal enemies make much of. His mother has already succumbed to the pressures of society and was installed as a madwoman in Bethlehem Hospital, known as Bedlam, until her death. Or did she try to drown her only son?

James, to put it mildly, is abjectly tortured by his past. He remarks that he heard the dead singing to him as a child. It appears he left home to join the British Navy, as a non-commissioned officer, a trade with a higher mortality rate than Ebola, with no intention of returning alive or even living long. Perhaps it was his mysterious and unhealthy attraction to his half sister that drove him way. He says that he was driven half mad by a certain power he possessed but could not control, nor understand within his Judeo-Christian purview. A great many things happened during his travails and each passing episode enlightens us further but what is known is that out there in the distant seas and certainly off the edge the known world, James learned to control himself. He is a man fully formed, a man of purposeful intent, a true devil in disguise. And there is no rest for the wicked. 

James is a character study of contradictions. He can read minds but not facial expressions. He is a sociopathic serial killer but he loathes to see a woman harmed, or even threatened with harm. In the form of a succubus he abuses his sister with unwelcome nocturnal visits but breaks it off when she is free to entertain it. He tolerates a woman he believes to have poisoned his father to live in his home, even buying her red roses. And then there are the voodoo hexes, shamanistic rituals involving feathers, fire and what looks to be paprika, a torso covered in Polynesian tattoos and terrifying visions of Maori and First Nations that people his dreams. 

James is content to always be in the mud. He is on the ground wrestling his would be murderers to the death, harming their feet, wading in whore’s piss, awaking hungover and face deep in a wet riverbank. Is James truly a demon? Empty churches prove no difficulty but he can’t seem to attend, or must abide by, religious ritual. He watches funerals from a safe distance. His beloved half sister (twin sister?) is exorcised nearly to death yet he does nothing. He digs his rivals grave but cannot bed the widow until the corpse is safely buried. Like Death, James rides a pale horse. Like the Lone Ranger, it communicates with him. Like a specter, James evades being shot at. Like a lunatic, he often wanders about pantless (when all the world pants that Tom Hardy should be shirtless). Like Twin Peaks, there seems to be something malicious in the forest haunting civilized society, feeding on innocents. Also like Twin Peaks the scenes seem to repeat themselves. The clerk races twice to the Delaney home to warn James of being betrayed. Ships are destroyed by fire, by flood, by sheer force of will. Ships have names, change names, change cargo, change ownership. One is left to wonder then is it merely mimicking the wheel of time, or evoking a death spiral. 

But James wants a ship. A ship, A ship, His Kingdom for a ship, to take his merry band of double-crossing henchmen to America. A ship to get past the American blockade. A ship to leave England, but why? Does he suddenly want to become a gentleman farmer, tiling soil for tobacco and cotton? Has he taken a sudden interest in the civil war? Will he sail around Patagonia and lay claim to his tiny meaningless cove? What is out there anyway and why does the honorable East India Company want it so badly they are willing to kill him for it?

Enough of questions, let us luxuriate in what we do know. The role of James’ half-sister as played by Oona Chaplin is varied, astounding. Her performance is a masterclass on subtly pulsing with female rage, a dark Cersei. She is at various times both individually and severally trapped by her abusive husband, his position in society, her half brothers unholy adoration of her body, her religious subjection to guilt and penitence. She has yet to illustrate her true and clear purpose and position, she is still behaving like a trapped animal, but I could stare at her perfect heart-shaped face watching the gears click behind her liquid eyes for as long as it takes. She takes my breathe away. Where did this talented tornado come from? I’m doing a deep dive on her filmography. 

The apothecary (played by the genius Tom Hollander) as James’ sidekick, fifth business and unlikely comic relief, his despicable scientist and all around Man Friday is a revelation. I live for the next words out of his mouth; his grey face quoting Shakespeare or listing his preferences for sexual congress. He is vile, true, but his earthy humanity casts James’ vacant eyes into sharp relief. James reminds me of a feral car whose eyes turn black before he attacks. An animal that once possessed the spark of the divine but it has since been beaten out of him. 

Posted in TabooFX

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E11

Title Fight

It’s time to say goodbye, ladies.



Episode 11: Dubai Felicia!

More Meaningful Title: Nope. This was the best title I have ever read. My work is done here…

KIDDING

Penthouse living™ continues… 

For some reason Caroline would rather be a Russian oligarch’s mistress than a proper wife. She’s luxuriating in being a strange bitch, like a caricature of some pre-raphaelite whore who’s been raised up by her local pimp to mingle in polite society. This level of self-absorption is difficult to watch.  It’s clearly an act, as though all her ugly size zero clothes and Birkin’s lying around like garbage are something we all want. Remember people are starving in the world, Caroline. And you are often one of them. Reader’s Note: I, too, had a butler on one of my vacations and I asked him to … get me cigarettes. Yikes! Not one of my finest moments.

☀ 🌊 ❤ 😍 

Is Marissa moving to California?

! Yes ! …? But did she?

No? Yes? I’m so confused!

👄 🤐

Adela and Sophie have a chat. Adela tries to confront Sophie on her giant big mouth… but then get scared and retreats into the passive aggressive royal ‘we’, clarifying that she’s actually speaking for ‘the other women’. No! This is not how you successfully negotiate with someone, you Gorgeous Dum-Dum. Adela, you are not anyone’s advocate but your own and you are having difficulty managing that at the moment tbh…

Unfortunately, Sophie sold her soul to Caroline two episodes ago. So Sophie lies, cheats, steals, says and does anything and everything to maintain her tenuous and ultimately meaningless relationship with La Stanbury. #SuperTruth: You have served your purpose for her, Sophie, and for the Stanbury’s in general, really; now please retreat with dignity (read: get thee to a nunnery immediately and take a vow of silence) and do not return until you have married someone Caroline wants to be seen with socially. (i.e. Russian oligarch’s are acceptable)

Meanwhile chez Fleming

🌽🍍🍑🍒🍇🍓🍈🍋🍊🐝 👨🍳 📚 

The script for this scene must have been:

Fleming overreacts to getting a book deal.

Let’s not forget she’s been on Danish reality TV 📺 and released 3 cookbooks in Danish already. Her literary agent is suitable embarrassed that her double first in history and literature from Oxbridge is being wasted on a reality show for illiterate Americans. At least someone has the decency to blush during filming, and that person is Fritha.  

👫🏃🙅

Sophie has the much anticipated discussion with her husband regarding … dunno. They neglected to provide me or the producers with an agenda. Ignoring the fact that lawyers work this kind of thing out on behalf of the rich and empty beautiful, she asks her husband to plan a steady schedule to visit with the boys at her home. He counters with the totally resplendant: “yeah, the kids can call me anytime”. Holy shit, he fucking hates you, Sophie! Sophie has real problems realizing when The Stanbury’s people hate her. 

This week in Lady Julie Crying™:

Lady Julie and daughter Emma part to uni. “Sugar Tits” starts crying and whispers “my best friend, my best friend” into her daughters hair like one of them is about to be executed. Emma, dry-eyed and relieved to not be her mother’s direct emotional crutch anymore, hightails it out of there. This must have been staged because her father and brothers are nowhere to be seen. Or maybe they are all unrelated figments of Lady Julie’s fevered imagination. None of the other ladies have actually seen her husband, the Duck of Sandwiches, amirite? It’s cool, Lady Julie, I don’t have friends either. Let’s ride bikes around London together, shall we?

🎉 🎈💯

Fuck it’s Juliet™ has 100K insta followers. She throws some balloons in a tree to celebrate. She is the #LondonLitterbug

Who IS READY FOR A PART-TAY BITHCES (sic)??

😭💄 

The ladies each get ready in their own way. Caroline has her slave indentured servant MUA Luke paint her face to cover up the horns and fangs. He gets teary eyed thinking of how relieved he is to never be forced to do this again saying he will miss Caroline. They are about to have a moment…when!

Enter Sophie with a tiny mirror and a tiny lipstick and a tiny personality and crawls into corner, purring, content to just be in the same room as Caroline. Sophie thinks Caroline is crying over her divorce when really she’s tearing up because Luke won’t do her makeup anymore. And they don’t correct her. It’s amazing.

Best line of the episode 

“Cover up your growler.”-Luke, referring to Caroline’s mons pubis. 

Second Best Line of Episode:

“The poisonous dwarf in polyester”

-Adela, describing Juliet 

Usually when people leave the country forever, other people throw a party in their honor. Caroline must throw her own. That’s how much of a Queen 👸 Bee 🐝 she is, Fuck It’s Juliet™. Put that in your “blog”, you runty idiot. 

OMG 😲 did Juliet just mention an exorcism?!?! That’s so creepy. Because that is exactly what I think everytime I type the words Fuck It’s Juliet.

…Right before she gives a toast 🍻 to Caroline ⚡️ “sparking” a debate about loyalty making everyone angry 😡 and throwing the party in the toilet 🚽. 

Readers Note: Fleming is not here. 

No, wait, she is!, 

but she’s so able to refrain from engaging that I’m seriously jealous 😒 . She and Luke should teach a class.

 

The winner of this episode is …

 

Lady Julie! She manages to look and act completely in charge and normal during the confrontation with Sophie and at Caroline’s dreadful party. A twofer! She’s actually cool 😎 and calm because she knows that Caroline is evacuating in shame and she is being lifted up, socially. Getting under Caroline’s skin is reason enough.

 

PREDICTION TIME! Take a trip with me into the future, Dear Reader.

Fleming discovers the cure for cancer while re-creating a traditional Scandinavian dish that features forest ingredients her mother told her about in a dream. It is the culmination of everything Fleming has ever wished for and she retires to Calcutta, India where she joins the Sisters of Mercy and lives a life of poverty in the service of God teaching impoverished street urchins how source flowers using the power of the mind. It becomes a trillion dollar business. She is suitably confused about the randomness of chance and luck for the rest of her life.

Adela decides to stay single and undergoes intensive therapy for 30 months in the hills of Austria. One day, while walking her therapeutic cow named Milka, she befriends a fellow patient recovering from PTSD. He is an insurance agent from Leeds. He is neither wealthy nor famous. Together they successfully practice their self-care techniques, and a platonic friendship blossoms. He is handsome in his own way. She never stops being beautiful, but now she is beautiful on the inside. And now – for the first time – she feels beautiful. Eventually they fall in love. They are abstinent until their wedding night. Adela’s children officiate the wedding and visit as much as they can.

Juliet becomes the Ambassador to Poland for the UK. Her parents are “sparking” proud. She takes her job seriously but accidentally kills Putin at a state dinner when she’s shouting and throwing cutlery. She is hailed as a national hero and statues are erected in her honor. It’s easy because they are so small. The UN invites her to speak but it’s a disaster. She is killed in a suspicious plane crash a few years later. Poland names a city after her. For a decade, thousands of Polish children are named Juliet. Even the boys. 

Marissa and her husband become back-to-the-landers in Northern California, developing sustainable and locally produced ingredients that are shipped by Foot Sherpa across the contiguous US, and sailed globally by Polynesian mariners in large rough-hewn sea worthy canoes, thus preserving their indigenous ways of oceanic navigation using star maps and tribal knowledge. US Foot Sherpa-ing becomes the new Coachella, and grad students fight for the few remaining spots each season. It is not uncommon for an Adjunct Professor of Astrobiology at Harvard to take his sabbatical walking and hitchhiking as a Foot Sherpa. Many books are written about this new economy. The uniform includes a lot of hats, designed by Marissa, because if there is one thing we know about Marissa it’s that she loves a good party hat. Marissa is featured on the cover of Forbes, Architectural Digest and Martha Stewart Living in the same month. Matt fills out the way bills and does some light book keeping. He buys an old train 🚂 carriage to play with (because British), and builds an electronic dance club inside “just for fun”. It becomes all the rage and his traveling club becomes the secret night spot for all celebrities, heralding the New Gypsy Chic Movement of Tiny Houses and part time blue collar work. He calls the train/ club “Move to Cali or I will Divorce You”. Just kidding! He calls it “Sugar Tits”. Kidding again! It’s so exclusive it doesn’t have a name. 

Lady Julie makes her slow and steady ascent in British society supported by her husbands unfailing love and governed by her own solid Midwestern values. Lady Julie does become close personal friends with The Duchess of Cambridge and it’s a relief to be among people who truly understand her. Together they make small but important contributions to Britain’s approach to nutrition and exercise. She is a national symbol of clean living and hard work and Yoga becomes the fastest growing sport in the U.K.  Until it is overtaken by the NQL, National Quidditch League.  No one ever calls her Sugar Tits.

Caroline anchors a new show called The Real Housewives of Dubai. It’s a huge success featuring her teaching small impoverished street urchins how to be butlers to the super rich. Her nickname in Arabic is “Sugar Tits”, which she absolutely loves. In Season 5, she tragically oversteps her welcome and flirts with the wrong Saudi prince during Eid and gets her head cut off, live on CNN. She will be remembered for her perfect smile and her … actually, nothing else. That was her only redeeming quality: fantastic orthodontia. Same, Caroline.

And that’s it. My feisty of bunch of bloated whores are done for this season and maybe forever (gasp). But can that even be true? I doubt it.

In the future, women will have fantasy reality show leagues the same way football does. For example, who would win in a cage match: Caroline Stanbury or Erika Jayne from RHOBH? Erika, right? Obviously. Let’s not be stupid.

But what if it was Caroline Stanbury v Vicki Grundelson from RHOC? One is younger but the other has a longer reach… you see what I mean? It’s fun.

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E10

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Caroline, always.

Episode 10: Loose Lips Sink Friendships

Are we at 10 already? It feels like more. It feels like a season in Hades…

 
——————————-

More Meaningful Title: We Have So Much To Learn from Female Sociopaths

——————————–

🍒🍑🍌

A short segment illustrates Lady Julie and her superior onion-cutting skills. The one piece of food guaranteed to make a person cry. How ironic. 

👼👩🎓😭😢

Speaking of irony and relatives, Adela and Lady Julie stumble into the backyard and try to … no idea. They end up back in the kitchen with a bunch of organic waste. Lady Julie’s daughter is graduating and she – you guessed it – starts crying. 

🌎🗽

Fuck it’s Juliet ™ has a relative visit. That’s it. That’s her entire contribution to this episode. 

🌵🐄💆

Open on Caroline reclining in bed. It’s time for penthouse living™ and massages with Sophie. Caroline is in such a good mood that she greets Sophie with a compliment, rather than her usual insulting greeting. She evens answers the door! Add one Adela in pajamas with a side of child custody issues and you’ve got a good time. It then devolves into a side show of sexual acrobatics which gave me life. Bravo pitches this as a ‘slumber party’ but no one sleeps and it’s during the day. I’m going to buy you a dick-tionary for Christmas, Bravo. Just kidding. You are all probably Jewish. 

“I just push it ’round the plate and pretend.”*

-Caroline Stanbury, on how to be a successful anorexic

🌺🎉

Speaking of Jews..

Fleming  plans her Midsummer  Party with flowers. She breaks bamboo with her bare feet and builds maypoles with her bare hands. She is the earth goddess in full flower wearing a gorgeous flower crown, a magnificent flowing gown and … holding a giant piece of raw fish. For the second time this episode Adela is fucking with pieces of foliage. She’s one of those women who always *seems* drunk no matter how sober she actually is, poor thing. Sophie dressed in a white gown once again mentions marriage (twice), methinks the woman doth protest too much. In Canada, we call the “twisted bread dick” bannock and I made it when I was in Brownies. Bread dick is delicious.

🌈💐🦄

…everyone is having a wonderful time at Midsummer. Really a magical evening with delicious home cooked food and amazing feminist energy dancing bare breasted around a bonfire. How will this sit with Caroline? Will she join the fun and fade into the background? Will she allow people to eat and enjoy themselves? Of course not, you whores, don’t be fucking stupid. She sits like a deadly 🕷 spider in her web waiting patiently until she feels a tug by a stuck insect, when suddenly! she gets her opportunity…

🕷 🔙🔛🔝🔜🎐

Lady Julie invites Caroline on a “date” before she leaves for Dubai. Caroline refuses, on the grounds that Lady Julie has abandoned her and that they have nothing in common. Except a lunch would remedy both those obstacles, so logically she should accept… 

Fearful she will be exposed as the fraud she is, Caroline must deflect attention and does something very interesting; she starts a three-way fight. Remember how she had already accepted apologies from Sophie and Lady Julie and Adela? No. She didn’t mean that. She was just biding time until she could use it again to re-establish her supremacy. Adela is the only fool to bite; then again Adela, like all addicts, is foremost addicted to drama. Adela pitches a ghastly fit. Then…Adela apologizes again. Caroline accepts. But it won’t last. It never, ever does. And that is why sociopaths succeed, nay thrive…

The real only surprise is that Juliet does not get directly involved in this. Usually she is ass-deep in Caroline’s shit.

And the winner is,…

Image result for caroline stanbury gifs

The winner of this episode is Caroline, of course!

#Times Caroline Talked About Food: 1*, see above

#Times Caroline Ate Food:  1, some bits in the hotel

List of Things We Know Caroline Hates, Thus Far:

  1. Hugs 
  2. Fruit
  3. Flowers
  4. Maypoles
  5. Flower Crowns
  6. Boarding school
  7. Vintage clothing

List of Things We Know Caroline Loves, Thus Far:

  1. Stripper Poles
  2. Being Pampered
  3. Gay men

❄

Next Week is the The Series Season Finale! Hysteria in a cab, Matt threatens divorce (?!?! That’s very rich, Bravo) and another “party” worthy of dead-eyed Victorian Vampires™ hosted by the most dead-eyed vampire of them all, Caroline Stanbury. As usual, everything about her taste screams nuclear winter. And – shocker – Julie cries. Again.

Image result for ladies of london gifs

This doesn’t quite cover it, though.

 

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3Ep9

Image result for beyonce who runs the world gifs

Sorry, “Girls”, it’s Caroline Stanbury.

Title: You Regatta Be Kidding Me

More Meaningful Title: We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat

 C + Mum + Da = 🍰🍰🍰

Caroline has tea in the garden with her parents. Her father has had a heart event and so Caroline does not feature much in the episode but watching two ice cold WASPs (I know, I know, fuck off) dealing with strong feelings of pain and loss is a master class in exquisite psychological torture. It reminds me of home. 

Caroline believes her family thinks she’s ridiculous. As card-carrying sociopath, she has that classically hollow relationship with her parents. Well, make that her mother, which she describes as “stunted”. She says she’s a Daddy’s Girl, not because they were close but because it “drove [her] mother crazy”. The most important thing is totally unspoken; Caroline eats. She eats!! The awkwardness of this experience caused her to eat. This is a god damn breakthrough. 

FIJ = 🕸🕸🕸💩

A segment about Fuck It’s Juliet™and I don’t care. Even her daughter knows what kind of fraud she is; she literally mimics her mothers minion behavior towards Caroline.  If the universe is a mirror, children are electron microscopes. In an airy offhand manner her husband asks, “”Would you even think of Dubai if Caroline hadn’t mentioned it?” Clever boy throws shade, film at eleven. 

Juliet makes me feel physically ill.

-Adela, preaching to the choir

 Image result for lady of london gifs


M + F = 🍴🐙 

Marissa has lobster salad at Fleming‘s as their burgeoning friendship matures. But Fleming is shy to trust any delicate information around Marissa because “she has been guided by bullshit”. Let’s take a minute to appreciate that these women are having a serious and difficult conversation that does not descend into abject aggression. Because it descends into tears. Next!

A + LJ = 💄🤐😾

Adela glams up Lady Julie for …an event? Dunno. Prolly nothing because this is just a ploy to gossip. Sophie has firmly told Lady Julie that there will be no more Caroline talk between them and Lady Julie feels betrayed like this was the cornerstone of their relationship. This is the bad part of being a woman. We are trained from earliest infancy that negative gossip bonds us in friendship…as such, the relationship can’t last without the fuel of negativity to keep it running. Adela beautifully points out that it’s actually a relief to have one less troublesome topic in life. That’s logical, right? But the madness of female relationships is that we are literally devastated when a friend wants to redefine it, no matter how logical or important the reason, because the fragility of the structure does not allow it. We have to raise our girls to be better. 

🙈🙉🙊🐒

Have you ever noticed that Fleming never gets into these conversations? She also never engages when it’s swirling around her. What’s her secret?

 👒🍾⛵🥂

Hats! Pims! Boats!

The woman attend the Henley Regatta. Sophie and Fuck it’s Juliet™ travel via helicopter for god knows what reason. They both look and sound stupid… but maybe I spoke too soon because then they start drinking champagne out of “a chest” with extra long straws. 

Do you feel like a bird?

-Juliet, being stupid

Grool

Juliet, rn


Adela confronts Juliet about … I’m not sure what but they seem to make it up — if Juliet making passive aggressive quips and looking sour can be considered baseline normal then yes, everything’s fine. 

LJ + S = 🐲💥

But hold the fucking phone because Lady Julie feels this a battle she should choose! Lady Julie, apropos of exactly nothing, is ready to bring this up again: that Sophie can’t talk about Caroline because they are – air quotes sisters-in-law. 

Oh no! 

Wrong choice! 

Shut up! 

Sorry, Lady Julie but this is, in fact, a perfectly valid reason to not talk about someone, because it risks peace in the home. That’s called a boundary – air quotes – and it’s healthy. As a yogi you should know this. Now don’t start crying. 

🗿🎉💐🌼

Fleming plans her midsummer dinner with Fuck It’s Juliet™. Then she puts holy water on Juliet’s forehead and I am fully expecting this to turn into an exorcism but I am sadly disappointed. 

Quick point of process: Holy water is free by the pint at the font within any Catholic Church, one does not need to “buy it at the Vatican”. I have a jug of it on my bar right now for …this and that…nevermind …none of your business… but mostly because my childhood dream was to become an exorcist until I learned one first must become an ordained priest. Apparently the laws of god and man prevents me from living my truth, but I digress…

S + Mum = 🕷☕

Sophie and her mother have a chat in the garden about how to break the news to her sons that their parents are divorcing. Not sure the purpose of this segment because it’s both boring and sad. THE END

And the winner of this episode is…

Image result for adela king ladies of london

Adela is the winner of this episode!

#Times Caroline spoke about food: zero

#Times Caroline ate food: ONCE and it was A LOT!! We’ve discovered her trigger. It’s human contact. No wonder she rejects hugs, it would affect her clothing choices. 

#Times a White Woman Cried: Countless

Next Week: “polish dolls”, flower crowns and Caroline strikes again!

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London, S3E7&8


Episodes 7 and 8: “Tarts and Tartans” and “The Ladies in the High Castle”

More Meaningful Title: This Whiskey Tastes Like Cat Bottom

I’ve decided that this trip to Scotland is my fave double episode of all. I know that when this series is cancelled- and with two of its main characters evacuating London like a sinking ship this seems likely- I will watch this episode with love in my heart, a gleam in my eye and gallons of alcohol in my bloodstream. 

C + LJ + S = 😭😭😭

So, apparently, Caroline and Lady Julie have had words off screen at some event they both attended. I hate when this happens because I can’t analyze it. Lady Julie recaps the convo for the cameras Sophie and then starts crying. Sophie – freshly eviscerated by Caroline and blood-sworn to never put a foot wrong again – just wants Lady Julie to stop (as we all do). Lady Julie – who reminds me *exactly* of Gena Rowland’s character in the film A Woman Under The Influence – feels abandoned by Sophie. Imagine a torn piece of flesh with AH-mazing hair being fought over by ravening wolves: this is Sophie.

In a related scene, Caroline brags to Luke about the “effort” that Sophie is making (to being Caroline’s friend again? To being a better person? To bigger hair?). It’s like Satan reporting that his demons are fully operational again after a brief hiatus for maintenance. This kind of exchange is literally why I watch the show. 

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Me, rn

✈✈✈

The ladies fly to Scotland. Fleming hyperventilates. (Probably because she’s sitting beside Fuck It’s Juliet™). Caroline takes charge and bosses everyone around. She’s in her element as the centre of attention and it’s fantastic to watch. If the show could just be distilled to these core moments it would be my dream come true, not to mention a ratings juggernaut. It could be called “Women Having Fun!”

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Caroline, supreme leader of the pink ladies

🏰🏰🏰

Caroline has rented Dundas Castle for the ladies, which is truly magnificent, and later the menfolk will follow. Caroline has rules! She lists them rapidly so as no one will notice. They mostly revolve around the ingestion of calories, like a good little bulimic. But remember all the damage she caused Lady Julie and Fleming by insisting she Doesn’t. Have. Any. Rules. Dammit!? All forgotten. How convenient!

Here’s where Caroline really shines: she literally lured Marissa to Scotland to harm her. Among the other ladies Caroline lays the groundwork for a fight with Marissa over who started the Dubai rumour – which is a nonissue because as long as it keeps Caroline in the spotlight, she adores any attention – but first she steals Marissa’s bedroom. Because it’s better. Talk about putting your guests first, Caroline! I think you should write a book on etiquette and protocol. It could be called, “Why Sociopaths Succeed“. Marissa is a nursing mother and you just pushed her out of a bedroom that has an adjoining bathroom because you wanted to be closer to your makeup artist.

When I was a kid, I thought everyone lived in a castle.

-Baroness Fleming, on perception, fantasy and reality

So Marissa, showing a magnificent amount of courage, confronts Caroline directly about the Dubai rumour/issue/something/nothing and Caroline has to scrabble to regain superiority. Which she never quite does, so she turns around and blames Juliet to deflect attention. Marissa categorically denies all allegations. This is the best offense. We all have so much to learn from how Marissa handled this situation. (I’m also laughing at the part where Caroline tries to tell the ladies WHY her family is moving to Dubai and it’s so boring, they literally tune out…mostly because whatever she says, it will be a lie.)

🦄🌹🦄

We also have to hand it to Adela for sharing such a painful truth so beautifully; she is now in sobriety after a long period of alcohol addiction. She’s lovely and I love her. In fact, the whole group is having a fabulous dinner, talking and laughing. What we don’t have is a muzzle for Fuck It’s Juliet ™, who, from here on out will not have a conversation that doesn’t end in argument. Juliet says something insensitive to Adela and makes the situation about herself. Adela excuses herself. Caroline berates Juliet. So far, this is a master class in elegance. The car ride home was so funny, I’m running it on repeat. Please be like this always, Ladies o’ Londoooo.

The Next Morning…

Fuck It’s Juliet™ earns the her title of Asshole of the Year by managing in the course of one dinner and one breakfast to alienate Adela, Marissa and Sophie. In Canada, we call that a hat trick. But in truth this was entirely caused by Caroline prompting Juliet’s desire to prove to Caroline how “loyal” she is. Juliet is literally a machine that Caroline can steer but not actually control. She sends Fuck It’s Juliet™ into the room and then works to dodge the land mines. Not an efficient system, but it’s the best one Caroline has right now because she has burned all the other ladies and no one trusts her. So Caroline went to pick at Marissa, then like a rabid dog Juliet took to the scent of blood causing Marissa, Lady Julie and Adela all to leave. Caroline is now left in a room where Juliet is fighting with Sophie. Not a good look, skinny girl.

(I’m very, very proud of Lady Julie for leaving the room and supporting Marissa. Lady Julie is the type of woman who always needs a cause, it’s just a matter of choosing her battles wisely. Not choosing this battle was a big win.)

Because Caroline is basically in a castle-competition with Lady Julie, she *needs* this trip to run smoothly so she can maintain dominance in the group. Not trusting the women not to fight whilst shopping in Edinburgh, she promptly divides the group roughly in half…

Team Caroline

C + LJ + S + J = 👩❤️‍👩👯👭🍷🍷🍷

Shop vintage while Caroline mocks them from her throne chair. Then off to “lunch”, which consists of glasses of white wine. Each woman takes a turn pledging fealty to Caroline, even Lady Julie. It’s like watching that scene in Braveheart right before the corpse falls through the roof. [gif not available]

Team Marissa

M + A + F = 🍔🍟🌭🍰🍭

This group marches right to the nearest Italian and tucks into actual food. #FlemingTheFoodie makes small moaning noises, she is – by her own admission – a “moaner”. Marissa and Fleming forge the foundation of a real friendship. It’s lovely to watch.

Dinner includes a whiskey tasting and then the haggis is piped in by a bagpipe player, but not before a poem is screamed at it.

I’ve died and gone to hell.”

-Caroline Stanbury, predicting the future.

👶👶👶

Marissa didn’t bring her newborn and now she is sad. Because I used to teach swimming to tiny terrors I know everything there is to know about children (joke, bitches, I only saw a baby once and it was from far away and it was unconcious) Rule #1 is, Your kid doesn’t miss you but you miss your kid. That’s why you should just bring it him her with you. In a bar. On a plane. To the moon. If you want to cure your separation anxiety, strap your baby to your hip and carry on with life. 

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Marissa’s life advice, rn.
So, now Marissa is in pieces because Caroline and Fuck It’s Juliet™ have been at her for two whole days and she doesn’t have her support system. She has obviously spoken with her husband and I suspect that she has even tried to extricate herself from this trainwreck of a weekend. Which is why Caroline is forced takes this opportunity to apologize to Marissa. Caroline doesn’t give a fuck about Marissa but she does seem to really respect the business acumen of Marissa’s husband Matt… Who arrives the next morning with the other husbands, ready to protect his wife. He reminds me of Mark Darcy fighting for Bridget Jones. It’s actually quite romantic.
 
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Matt, rn
 
They do some fun activities like falconry and quad biking and archery. Caroline is correct that having the men around stabilizes the women. What she means is that she is on her best behaviour because no one wants to be married to the real Caroline Stanbury. Sad but true. Everyone has a great afternoon.
 
At dinner, Cemmin looks handsome in his kilt, Caroline looks a bit fat in her dress and Sophie is dressed like a rockette. Caroline even re-apologizes to Matt directly. Verrrryyyyyy interesting. Caroline is sucking up to Matt and I want to know why. Is she just one of those women who needs men to like her? I guess, but that’s so basic… I expect more.
 
Then there are speeches for Caroline
Horribly embarrassing speeches.
Sophie has apparently re-married since this morning, because she says “mine [husband] is not here” and starts crying. Prompted by a producer indiscernable emotion, Lady Julie spontaneously jumps up and no one knows what she is trying to say. I’m expecting tears and I am not disappointed. It’s a mess.
 
Then there are fireworks! Magnificent fireworks and all the Ladies, plus their husbands (real or imagined), dressed to the nines admire them on a perfect Scottish summer evening, gazing into the sky before Dundas Castle. This is how I want to remember you forever, Ladies of London.
 
#Times Sophie Embarrasingly Declares her Love & Loyalty to Caroline: 3

#Times Caroline spoke about food: a few

#Times Caroline ingested food: goose egg

I would have thought that this would be the end of the series, given how fantastic this double episode is, but apparently not…
 
Next Week: Hats, Champagne, and some other stuff.
Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline

The Exposed Life of Caroline Stanbury, Lady of London S3E6

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Episode 6: Tiaras Make You Tipsy

More Meaningful Title: Literally any sentence would be more meaningful.

So here it comes. This is the episode where Caroline lambastes Sophie. I’m scared for Sophie because, by her own admission, she has never been on the receiving end of The Caroline Stanbury Experience™. I can’t tell from Sophie’s perpetually blank face whether she’s telling the truth but we know that the last time they tangled Caroline ended up blurting out D-I-V-O-R-C-E in front of children who were ignorant of the fact. Way to be loyal, Stanbury. She demands it of others but does not return the favour. 

Some quick edits give us these gems:

Lady Julie is going to Wisconsin because …reasons.

Fuck It’s Juliet™ is a fucking ditz.

And this —

Caroline imagines Sophie’s face during her boxing lesson. Quick point of process: Why do they all exercise in their yards? That’s kinda weird. Can’t you afford a gym membership? Can you imagine looking at the neighbors yard and seeing Fight Club being acted out by middle-aged women? I bet there’s a app porn for that. 

But wait! This episode has a discernible theme; it’s really about transitions. There’s a lot of depth in this episode. That being the case, I will use a series of ridiculous emojis to assist my distinctive narrative technique. 

Let’s get started!

M + F = 😍

Marissa and Fleming crush a can of soup and squish a baby between them. They talk about how Marissa was once closer to Fleming’s sister Louise and … ok, whoa, this segment is *really* about Fleming trying to determine if Marissa is trustworthy. Marissa understands this and responds with patience and maturity. The relationship seems to be deepening. Well done, ladies. Moving on…

J + J = 💩

Juliet gets her own segment and it’s a flop. 

Juliet is functionally retarded, which this segment illustrates perfectly. 

Thx, Bravo!

M + M = 🍼

Matt and Tits McGee Marissa dine. Matt wants to have sex with the breasts he “owns” and it’s causing him to sweat. Matt correctly identifies that housewives drama is not in his wheelhouse. He uses the word “boring”. He sits in distinct counterpoint to Cemmin. I both hate and respect you, Matt. 

J + F + C + L(?) = 😡

Yikes! Another Juliet segment?!?! 

…Welcome to another edition of Fuck It’s Juliet™ , I’m your host, the goddess of Hades, Persephone…

Juliet is dressed up like she’s going to audition for Madonna’s Papa Don’t Preach video and indicates that she’s hosting a pub crawl in the east end of London with Fleming and Caroline. She looks so stupid. She calls herself a hipster, while I would describe it more like a dumpster fire. Don’t go on a reality show only to behave like buffoon. 

*furtively crosses Juliet’s name off the list of potential spin offs to this show*

What is #TheLondonStylist? A once-a-month picture of you wearing clothes? Do you even insta, bro? However, the writing is not bad, which literally kills me. I highly doubt it’s her. Prove me wrong, FIJ.

Juliet invites her 7 year old on a pub crawl …then dis-invites her!

Rude! 

At least teach her how to prime the keg before you leave or she won’t have any social life at the Midwestern community collAge you intend to send her to, Juliet. 

Best Line of The Episode

“Let me speak to your daughter, I prefer her so much.” 

– Caroline Stanbury to Juliet, causing the author to inadvertently bellow with laughter. 

Fleming is becoming increasingly frustrated with Caroline‘s lateness. Fleming correctly discerns that this is a power-seeking technique used to manipulate people and Fleming wants no part of it. We leave them on a picnic bench with Juliet unable to operate an umbrella. Enter Caroline and she’s brought yet another brunette minion named Lucy (where does she store these automatons?) whose sole purpose is to be Luke back up Caroline from attackers. Watch Lucy’s body language. She’s literally mimicking Caroline for her every move and every expression. I’m sad she needs this armour around Fleming, Caroline used to be so strong. 

Then, to make my day, Caroline brings up The Fruit Issue™ from 18 months ago! She says – get this – “You know I don’t like fruit and you asked me four times” as if it’s some sort of sin to insist your guest eat food. 

Classically disordered, Caroline. 

Is it my birthday, Caroline? Because then she rehashes The Mapperton Affair™. But this time, she rewrites history and starts blaming Fleming for Lady Julie’s rules. This is an exercise in magical thinking and I’m ready to swallow the red pill! I literally feel crazy listening to Caroline. It’s like listening to Dark Side of The Moon backwards while watching The Wizard of Oz.

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What the actual fuck, Caroline.

Caroline spectacularly fails at this because Fleming freezes her out. That’s it. She just refuses to give Caroline air and the paper tiger collapses. (This metaphor never met an analogy it didn’t like). There is a lesson here. Ignoring bullies goes a long way to making them disappear. Earth Goddess Fleming, you please me. 🙏

Caroline- lacking the patience and leverage to break Fleming – gives in and literally kisses Fleming and makes up. 

That’s a little too quick, right? I mean we’ve seen Caroline make a grown woman cry in under 10 minutes. 

But then it all makes perfect sense! Since Caroline has burned her bridge with Lady Julie, a copper-bottomed viscountess, she can’t burn her bridge with a Danish baroness as well. You have to hand it to Caroline, she is a skilled strategist. And you wanna know why? One word:

~~S c o t l a n d~~

Scotland? you ask, bewildered. 

Scotland! I reply, triumphant. 

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Caroline pulled the short straw this season is hosting a weekend in Scotland for all the ladies and their h-bands (!) as a proper send off before she goes to live her dream of re-enacting entire scenes of Lawrence of Arabia with her house servants in Dubai.

Sing choirs of angels! Sing in exaltation!

S + M + A = 🎉🍾👑

Sophie, Marissa and Adela shoot pingpong balls out of their vaginas do a pub crawl at a pingpong bar (?) and they are fun fun fun!

Dancing on bars. 

Drunk dialing their exes. I love them. 

This is what the show should be about. Except poor Adela has to run away because these fools are a literal liability.

J + M + 👚😴💤🖕

Cut to…

Juliet (again!? Are you fucking with me Bravo?!?) and Marissa and her trusty satin pajamas where she denies spreading the Caroline-is-moving to-Dubai-to-escape-legal-troubles rumour. Ok. That settles that, right?

S + F = 👒🎎

Sophie and Fleming try on hats. They chat about Caroline being an asshole. But really this is a primer for the next segment featuring Caroline, Sophie and some cold fish. see what I did there?

C + S = 🍣🍷

Caroline and Sophie. Here comes the bullshit avalanche. 

Let’s be clear, Caroline has a singular focus: She just wants Sophie back as her minion. Which means NO friendship with Lady Julie and NO friendship with Adela. But Caroline can’t just say it out loud, it has to come from Sophie. She has to break Sophie like a Spanish Inquisitor until – and this is key- Caroline can use Sophie to both hear and spread gossip. That’s the goal. 

But Sophie has an important card up her sleeve, the fact that Caroline punished her child by withholding the cousins from attending her child’s birthday. For Sophie, and any mother, this is a bridge too far. Caroline tells a bald-faced lie and eels out of it. 

Hats off you sociopath! You are a true inspiration. 

So, Sophie apologizes (again) and to her face Caroline accepts the apology. But during the talking head segment she admits that no, the apology will not suffice (again), paving the way for Caroline to treat Sophie badly in the future. See? Broken. 

[[Hey Juliet! Does this sound familiar??1]]

While it was a close race, the winner of this episode is Fleming!

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Food Caroline Talked about Eating: “dark chocolate with the nuts”.

Food Caroline Actually Ate: Rosee 

Next Week: Lady Julie cries, Sophie immediately gets back in the fray, Marissa denies spreading rumours and Adela shares something personal.

Anywhoozle, I have something earth-shattering to share with you, Dear Reader. I will be visiting London, England next weekend. Write in the comments the places you think I should visit… and by that, I mean, do I dare try to visit my heroines in their natural environment?

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ME

Posted in caroline stanbury, ladies of london, reality, team caroline